The Journal of Caleb Malphas (And other related stories)
by Ryuu S
Summary: Caleb's life as a bodyguard, best friend and brother to the Malachai, as he attempts to find some peace and common sense in his life. Let's face it, folks. He's doomed.
1. Why Am I Doing This Again?

**Something that's been in my head for awhile. Figured it couldn't hurt to share it.**

 **DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING BELONGS TO SHERRILYN KENYON. 'CAUSE SHE'S AWESOME, THAT'S WHY!**

 **The Journal of Caleb Malphas.**

 **Chapter 1: Why am I doing this again?**

Dear Journal:

Can't believe I'm doing something as lame as journal writing, but I've lately come across the need to rant. Rave. Explain my disturbing circumstances to another source. The biggest of which being my embryo charge- Nick Gautier. Fledging Malachai. Here is a list of issues that frustrate me the most, before I start throttling people.

 **1\. He thinks that just because I'm his bodyguard he can call me at all manners of the night.**

¨Nick, this better be important.¨

 _¨Dude, I just had this rad dream-¨_ Caleb looked at his bedside alarm clock.

¨Nick...it's two in the morning.¨

 _¨Yeah , I know that, but-¨_

 _Click._

" _Damn it! Well, I guess Kody won't mind…"_

 **2\. And that I should protect him from his boss.**

 _¨CALEB! SAVE ME! Kyrian's sword just went straight through the fender on the Lambo! He's gonna kill me!¨_

"You'll live.¨

 _¨It's the Lambo, Cay! The Lamborghini! By exactly what margin of the imagination do you expect me to- oh shit-¨_

 _¨Nick! What the hell are you doing boy? Have you got my...why is my sword...NICHOLAS!¨_

 _¨SAAAAVE M-¨_ Caleb cut him off.

¨See you, tomorrow, Nick. You're on your own.¨ A stream of curses could be heard from the phone as Caleb tossed it aside in favor of playing video games.

 _¨I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, CALEB!¨_

 **3\. His version of 'Revenge' turns into 'Flirtations'. At school. In front of a large group of people. Most of whom have no idea that he's faking every word.**

Nick sniffed pathetically and batted his eyelashes.

¨Caywub...how could you?! You just threw me to the wolves without a second thought! I thought we were made for each other!¨ Caleb groaned in disgust while Kody sniggered at them and continued pulling books out of her locker.

¨Will you knock it off? Before I'm forced to maim you.¨ Nick gasped, before latching onto Caleb's arm.

¨Caleb, my love! How could you betray me like that?!¨ Eyes turned in the corridor.

¨GET OFF! I swear, your shame knows no bounds...¨ Nick blinked innocently.

¨Shame? What shame?¨

 **4\. Kody Approves.**

Caleb pushed Nick's face away from him for the third time at lunch. He glared at Kody, sitting on Nick's opposite side, giggling uncontrollably.

¨Shouldn't you be concerned that your boyfriend is openly flirting with a guy?¨ She scoffed.

¨We both know Nick's straight and has no intentions of ever dating you. And I get my kicks watching you two interact. It's funnier than Mark blowing up his jeep.¨ She kissed the side of Nick's head.

¨Just make sure you don't push Calyboo too far and he tries to kill you, sweet heart.¨ Nick gave her a beaming smile.

¨I won't!¨

 _¨You damn traitor….¨_

 **5\. Which suddenly makes it okay for everyone else to assume I'm his boyfriend.**

"Hey Caleb, do you know where Nick is?"

"Why the hell should I know?" Maduag smirked.

"Well, since you're 'his love' and you two 'were made for each other' I would therefore assume-" Caleb glared and did his best to put as much I'MA-KILL-YOU-DEAD-BOY-IF-YOU-SO-MUCH AS-FINISH-THAT-SENTENCE vibe into Maduag's shortening existence.

He backed off.

"O-okay. Bad joke. But seriously, do you know where he is?"

"...Gym."

 **6\. And then there's Zavid.**

Caleb's eye twitched at the empty cupboard.

"Zavid...where are my poptarts?"

"Basking in food heaven."

"My popcorn?"

"Same."

"Fruit Roll Ups?"

"They begged."

"Twinkies?"

"You know they couldn't stay there forever."

"Gold Fish?"

"I may have gone fishing."

"Cheetos?"

"I have a newfound respect for cheesy leopards."

" _ **...My Coke?"**_

"..."*

*And this, folks, is where Caleb drew the line.

 **7\. And for the record, just because I disdain his existence, doesn't mean you attack my charge.**

 **Bitch.**

" _Hey, Caleb?"_

"What, Kody? I'm busy skinning a wolf."

"Aamon, asshole!"

 _"Nick's being attacked-."_

"Again?! Why the hell hasn't he summoned me?"

 _"He thinks you're mad at him."_

 _Stupid little-_

He flashed to Nick's location and promptly started tearing into the fringe guards present.

Stupid. _Slash._ As. _Stab._ Hell. * _Back fist*_ Cajun. _Slash._ Mentality. _*Slices head off* GO ROT IN LATAYA, YOU EFFIN' EXCUSE FOR A LIFEFORM!_

Nick raised a brow at Caleb's unusually vicious attack. Of course, he was always vicious, but today he actually showed it. He laughed off a wave of trepidation as Caleb finished off the monsters and slowly turned to face him.

Nick? Scared? Pffft.

Maybe a _little_ worried.

Caleb brought his hands up and made choking motion towards Nick's neck.

"You call me at all manners of the day...everyday...but when it comes to my actual job... _that is when you choose to shut up?!_ You damn three-year-old!"

"Hey! I do not act like a toddler!"

"Yes, you do!

"Oh, come on, at least admit I graduated kindergarten!"

Simi sat on the bench and munched BBQ flavored chips. She offered the bag to Kody.

"Wants some? They be good eating. It fun to watch Akri-Caleb and Akri-Nick argue."

"I'm good, Simi. Just a little annoyed Caleb took all my targets. Geez, what's a girl to do if she can't maim preternaturals after her boyfriend?"

"Tragic. Truly tragic. Hey, boys! The Simi wants some Ice-Cream to go with her chips, because the chips taste good but theys taste better with hot sauce and frozen sugar!" They momentarily paused.

Nick looked at Caleb.

"Ice Cream?"

"Ice Cream."


	2. Ice-Cream

**8\. Ever taken a Charonte to an Ice Cream Shop? Don't. Ever. Especially if the Charonte is named Simi.**

"...Oh, and I want some of that minty green stuffs for my fangs, 'cause you know, you gots to keep them fangs squeaky clean for them eats. Or at least, akri says I need to keep them clean 'cause a demon without clean fangs is bad looking, but of course I'm never bad looking according to Akri. But still, them mint stuff is important. Oh, and I like that red velvet 'cause it looked like dried up blood, so make that double scoop. No...triple scoop. Ohh, and I always wanted to try that sherbet stuff. Gimme some of that to. And birthday cake flavored Ice-cream?! It's not the Simi's birthday, but I can make exceptions…." The poor teenager behind the ice-cream counter smiled weakly.

"Would that...be all?" Simi raised a hand and gave her options a second look.

"The Simi thinks so. You gots the chocolate chip, the chocolate chip cookie, vanilla, Pecan pie, and them other flavours?"

"Y-yes…

"Okays, the Simi's good."

"Uhm..toppings for that?"

"Got any BBQ sauce?"

Kody leaned in to Nick.

"We leave her alone with that poor man any longer…"

"She'll consume the entire building, put them in debt, and no more local ice-cream eatery. Got it." Caleb snorted.

"At this rate, she'll give all the employee's heart attacks."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't carry BBQ sauce-" Simi nodded.

"That's okay. I came prepared and gots my own. How much whip cream you have left?"

"A lot..?"

"Not anymore."


	3. In Which No One Pays Attention

**Chapter 2: (Officially) In Which No One Pays Attention To Anyone Else.**

 **9\. Ash.**

"I should tell him I'm the Malachai, shouldn't I?"

Caleb groaned. He swore that the only time Nick had ever truly hesitated in his life was whether or not to completely forget Kody and put her out of his mind and heart after they broke up. (And that break up lasted how long? A week, tops?)

Whether or not to tell Ash he was the Malachai was quickly over-shadowing the previous event.

And really pissing Caleb off.

"Look. We've been over this. There are three major scenarios. Either he flips out and tries to kill you, he calmly attempts to accept the truth, or he pretends he didn't understand you and you both go on and keep the status quo."

"Or he hates me forever, we become mortal enemies, and I end the world." Nick hit his head on the table.

"Well, there's that too."

 **10\. The Existence of Xevikan.**

*Xev walks into Nick's room*

*Caleb leaves, glaring at him.*

*Xev walks into the Gautier's living room*

*Sees Caleb*

*Walks out*

*Caleb walks into the Gautier's kitchen*

*Sees Xev*

*Leaves*

*Caleb walks-

"Oh, for the love of God, they need to knock it off!" Nick groaned as both Xev and Caleb vacated Kody's house. Kody shrugged.

"You find a way to fix their relationship, and the Oracles of Delphi will go to you for advice." Nick straightened his back.

"I _have_ a way to fix their relationship, but my BEST FRIEND-" He yelled at the ceiling "-WON'T 'EFFIN' LISTEN!"

 _Bite me, Gautier._

 **11\. Stone. Exactly how many times do I need to kick this guy's ass?**

 **Exhibit A:**

"Get out of the way, retard!" Stone shoved Nick in the locker bench, almost making him trip over it. Poor idiot wolf had no idea idea that if Caleb wasn't in the locker room, he'd be dead.

 _Calm down, Nick. I've got this._

Nick gave him a skeptical look.

" _I've got this, as in, he's going to be limping for a while, or I've got this, the cemetery has a new long-term resident?"_

" _The former, unfortunately."_

*After practice*

"Uh….Stone, you okay…?" Mason asked, watching as Stone scratched furiously at his hair and arms.

"I'm fine!" He snapped. Caleb and Nick smirked.

 _Fleas._

Beautiful little creatures when they worked for you.

 **Exhibit B:**

"What a Whore. If she's willing to sleep with trash, then why stay clothed at all?" Nick froze at the horrid comments spewing from Stone's mouth. He rose from the lunch table to beat the turd out of the wolf, who sat on the other side of the Cafeteria. The bad thing about his powers? Heightened hearing. At least before he had the courtesy of ignoring some of them. Kody grabbed his sleeve to pull him down.

"That's what they want, Nick. To get a rise out of you. Don't give it to them. For me, please?"

"They talk that crap every single time they see you with me, Kody, and probably when I'm not around and you don't tell me. They deserve to have their faces punched in!"

"Uh, guys? I think you need to-" Lashonda was too late on the warning.

A bowl full of salad and dressing was already on top of Stone's head, staining his shirt. Not knowing who the perpetrators were, Stone immediately lunged his lunch at the nearest person nearest to him. (That was Mason, by the way.)

The next half hour was absolute chaos.

And the fact the sprinklers malfunctioned and were turned on half way during lunch was just a coincidence.

So was the fact Stone had very nicely shaped bruise on his cheek bone that he swore wasn't there before lunch.

Best part? Since the 'victim' didn't see the perpetrator, the ensuing food fight was blamed on the one who _multiple witnesses_ remembered throwing food- Stone and CO.

 **-After school and after scores of parents had been called-**

Brynna and Lashonda glared at Caleb.

"Caaaleeb..." He pouted at them.

"Oh, come on. Surely you can't blame this on me?" They gave him motherly frowns.

"What happened to the Anti-Bully brigade? Two wrongs don't make a right." He pouted at them.

"Tell me you didn't enjoy that."Nick gave him a thumbs up.

"Not sure about them, but I whole-heartedly approve."

The two girls then turned their ire on him.

"And you? What was that punch you threw after Kody dumped her Chocolate milk on Mason's head?" asked Lashonda. Brynna gasped.

"Kody!" The accused slurped on her apple juice.

"What?"

Nick glanced at Caleb.

 _Speaking of which, you mind-wiped Stone, right C?_

 _Do I look like an Amateur to you?_

 **Exhibit C:**

"Come'on Malphas! What? You can't stand toe to toe with us?"

Were they idiots? Attacking Nick at school was stupid, but attacking Caleb in the twilight hours of the night when they were off campus?

 _Oooooh yes, make my day._

But seriously, this was getting annoying. He did everything he could short of getting detention to give these guys hell, and they still hadn't clued in about Karma being a bitch.

 _Moooooroooons._

They went for him en masse.

The next five minutes were filled with punches, elbows, black eyes, and maybe two or three fireballs.

Or four.

Not counting the multitude of black eyes.

"This isn't over, Malphas!" The Arcadian wolf pack vacated the premises.

 _Dude….is it just me, or do they watch too many B movies with sucky ass comebacks?_

 **Exhibit D:**

 _When the fuck will He learn?!_

Caleb watched via bird form Maduag getting harassed by Stone...outside of school gates. Technically they weren't in school, but...close enough. Seriously, did this guy make bullying others a part-time job, or something? But Maduag wasn't his charge. He was about to bypass him completely when Nick came out the gates from helping Lashonda and Kody with one of the upcoming assemblies, and caught Stone being their neighborhood jerk.

 _Daaamn it._

Caleb made sure to aim at hitting Stone with a nice big shat (And folks, it's true- birds do aim) then took shelter in the trees and turning back into a human.

Before Stone and Nick could pulverise each other, Caleb dropped out of the tree and Ax-kicked Stone on the head.

Nick and Maduag gaped at him.

"Do you ever had one of those days where you just can't win?" Caleb looked at the now comatose Stone. "'Cause today be Stone's day."

 **00000000000000000000000**

 **Author's note: I got a review on this story! Thank-You! -RS**


	4. School-Helheim x 10

**Hiya! This is for the people who reviewed and made my day, thereby inspiring me to write more! By the way, I am open to suggestions if I think it works! (Sometimes, my creativity needs help.) THANK-YOU FOR REVIEWING! If I have a spelling mistake, please point it out! -RS**

 **MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING!**

 **Chapter 3: School...Helheim x 10.**

 **12\. School. ( In particular, Mrs. Richardson.)**

Caleb's eye twitched at the woman who was uglier than a hag yet younger than him by a few thousand millenias.

 _The things I do for you, Nick..._

"No, Ma'am. I'm not being smart." _I'm being sarcastic, which at times is not smart and contrary to my long-held desire for continued breathing._ "I simply thought That your continued use of mispronouncing _Nick Gautiar's_ name is uncalled for." She narrowed her beady eyes at him.

"Since you two are such good friends, I suppose you'll have no problem joining him in detention."

 _Great. Mission accomplished. Another afternoon locked in a teacher's Hell Mouth because SOMEBODY-not mentioning names-_

Caleb glared in Nick's direction.

 _-Couldn't keep their damn mouth shut. Wonderful._

Nick rolled his eyes.

 _More quality time with my favorite surly bodyguard. How lovely!_

Nick smirked into arms as he had a radical thought.

 _Do you think if I flirted with you during detention she'll let us out early from disgust?_

Caleb's pencil suddenly snapped.

 _NO. NO. NO. If anything, she'd have us suspended._

 _Okay, but what about-_

 _WHAT PART OF 'NO' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!_

 **13\. School. _EVERYTHING. ELSE._**

 **Lunch:**

Caleb poked at the mash potatoes. He leaned toward Madaug.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but mash potatoes aren't normally supposed to be blue, right?"

"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure my Mama's Road-Kill Gumbo could look tastier than _That._ " Nick used His spork to point at...what should have been spaghetti.

Madaug glanced between their collective foods.

"Given the articles written about the quality of the American Public school system lunches and the amount of flack it's given, coupled with the general knowledge of how both recipes are normally cooked..." Madaug leveled a look on his own plate. "I'd say we'd better pass on this meal. Do we have an accord, Gentleman?" Caleb and Nick glanced at each other, then the food abominations.

"Agreed."

 **Homework:**

Math: Done.

Chemistry: Done with flying colors.

Football, Aka Physical Education: Done like a BOSS.

History: Done while laughing at all of Humanities' stupid assumptions.

English:...

 **Question 1: What is your strongest childhood memory?**

 **Question 2: How did your parents meet?**

 **Question 3: What is your name and how did you get it?**

 **Question 4: What is the nicest thing you've ever done for your sibling?**

"Nick, what the hell is with this assignment?" Nick glanced over at Caleb.

"What are you talking about, Cay?" Caleb gestured angerly at the paper on his desk.

"Our English assignment. How does this have anything to do with English?" He whispered, realizing having their teacher overhearing them would be bad.

"...Dude, it's just to practice our writing. This isn't the first time we've been given a writing prompt." Yeah, but this is the first time he'd been given an incredibly _personal_ writing prompt. Normally theirs were more bland than this.

Caleb glared murderously at the paper.

Burn.

BUUUURN.

 ** _BURN DAMN YOU!_**

 **Group Projects:**

"Okay, you put the flamingo on the rock- No, not that rock! What the heck are you thinking?!"

"What, and putting the blue elephant on the star makes sense?"

"Bro, do you even paint?!"

"How am I supposed to paint if you're hogging all the damn space?!"

"Uh...could you guys let me clean my paintbrush-"

"Shut up, Madaug!"

Kyrian raised a brow at the multitude of voices downstairs in Nick's office. What on Earth were they doing?

 **Football:**

"Come'on, Malphas! This isn't a girls dance party! Move it! Gautier, you keep talking to him and you're both getting detention! Blakemore! Take your posse and work those drills! Do I have a team, or- What was with that throw? Do it again! You know what? If my team isn't going to work like one, maybe we should stay and do a few more laps after-"

A football came flying out of no where to hit him in the nether regions. Caleb gasped in horror.

"I'm so sorry coach! My fingers...they just slipped!"

Nick shook his head. Caleb's patience seemed to be running on thin air lately. He made a note to not antagonize the Daeva too much...maybe. Not.

 **Fangirls:**

Caleb straightened up as they were walking towards Nick's house to finish their homework. Nick, sensing their impending doom, looked around.

"What? Is it a demon? Human? Other?" Caleb tilted his head and sighed in disgust.

"Other. Definetly other." A group of girls from their school- people Nick didn't know really well- turned the corner. When they spotted Caleb, they squealed.

"OH MY GOD! HI, CALEB!" They girls surronded them, chirping around them with glee.

"How was your day today?"

"Did you get enough to eat?"

"How was football practice?"

"YOU'RE THE BEST!"

Nick found himself outside the group rather quickly, seeing as he was in the way of their precious Malphas. Caleb's smile was strained as he attempted to be polite.

"My day has been going rather well. But if you would excuse me-" One of the girls latched onto his arm.

"But Caleb! You never hang out with us or take notice of us! Why don't you stay! Just this once? PLEEEAASSE?!" The rest of the girls joined the chorus. He looked to Nick for help. It only took a few moments for Nick to make his decision.

 _Your girl, your problem._ Caleb glared at him.

 _Gautier, you little..._ Nick held his hands up.

 _Look, what comes around goes around. Haven't you ever heard of Karma?_ Nick slowly walked backwards from the group.

 _I'm only acting in kind._ Nick then turned and bolted.

"Sorry ladies, but I need to go kill my best friend."

 **Chemistry Gone Wrong:**

Caleb glanced over at what Stone was doing, partly amused and partly boiling with the desire to murder his lab partner. Why couldn't their teacher have done the smart thing and just let them pick their own partners like usual? But no-o-o. Put Nick with Mason and Caleb with Stone. What a stroke of brilliant genius! So effin' smart!

Not.

"That's the wrong compound." Stone looked over and bared his teeth.

"Back off Malphas! I don't want you ruining my grade. I'll do this on my own."

"Unfortunately, I have a vested interest in my grade as well, and you are in the middle of destroying it by using the wrong compound." Stone glared at him, before narrowing his eyes on their lab flask filled with their (Stone's) attempt to make raw alcohol.

 _He wouldn't-_

The flask exploded, along with every flask in the room. Caleb sighed as the fire alarm went off and he withheld the urge to strangle the wolf.

 _Of course he'd use his powers. Stupid, thy name is Blakemore._

 _There goes my grade._

 **14\. Shopping with Kody. (Couldn't she have gone with Brynna or Lashonda? Or Simi?! This sucks!)**

Caleb dragged his feet as Kody pulled with the force of a thousand women and a few demons. He _really_ didn't like the mall. Especially during Christmas and Black Friday. Humans turned into rampaging monsters that he'd rather not deal with.

"Why don't you go with Brynna or Lashonda? Just get one of them!" Kody rolled her eyes.

"I'm trying to find a present for Nick, and you know him better."

"You know him better than I do!"

"Which is why together we should be able to find a nice birthday and Christmas present for him. You can use this as a chance to buy him a couple as well."

"I didn't buy him one last year." She gave him a peeved glare.

"You weren't as good of friends with him last year."

"Can I buy him a single birthday present and say it doubles as a Christmas present?" Kody hit him on the arm.

"OW! Okay...Geez." He took another glance at the frantic shoppers, the crying children, and the angry woman who wanted her damn discount.

"Simi. She'll enjoy this. Doesn't she shop like a demon anyway?!"

"Ye-e-e-s, but she'd also eat all the food and jewerly shops out of house and home. Come'on, Mr. Crybaby."

 _Ugh...Why me?_

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Hope you enjoyed! Please review! -RS_**


	5. Really, Nick? Really?

**Chapter 4: Really, Nick? Really?**

 **15\. Then, there's Halloween*.**

 ***Seriously, do you know how hard it is to protect the Malachai during Halloween when everything- And I do mean** _ **everything**_ **\- comes out to play? And my charge is an idiot?**

"You are not going out dressed like _that_."

Nick looked down at his orange Hawaiian shirt, the white t-shirt underneath, and blue jeans.

"Why? I always wear this." Caleb gestured to the rest of him.

"And we're going to ignore the fact you're in full-on Malachai form? With wings attached?"

Nick rolled his eyes.

"Come'on, Even Simi is going around in her demon's form today. Really, it's not a big deal."

"Simi doesn't have a bounty on her head that makes the treasure of El Dorado look like pocket change." Xev, sitting in the corner as far from Caleb as possible, bobbed his head in agreement.

"Granted, but-" Cherise screamed as she walked into her sons' room, after wondering why Nick and Caleb were taking so long getting ready for school.

They froze.

"So...Ma, how do you like my costume?" Gathering herself up, Cherise walked around him a few times.

"It's...very well done. Excellent! You look very handsome, for an evil demon. Sorry I yelled when I walked in, Boo. I was really surprised." She gave him a hug. Nick hugged her back with one arm, using the other to point at her repeatedly behind her back and grin at Caleb.

 _Unbelievable._

Caleb went to the restroom and changed into his demon form.

 _If you can't beat'em, join'em._

 **16\. Cooking lessons:**

Caleb wasn't entirely sure how he got roped into this one. Nick called begging for back-up, and Cherise thought it was an amazing idea for him to join in...learning how to cook, that is.

Except Caleb had no need to learn how to cook. After millions of years, cooking came naturally. But he tended to conjure everything he wanted to eat.

He also tended to live on snack food, soo...

Nick, on the other hand? Disastrous.

"Boo, you have to simmer it on low for ten minutes..."

"Why can't I just turn up the heat and cook it for a shorter amount of time?"

"Because you have to let the sauce thicken, not burn." Caleb sniffed the air.

"Not to ruin anyone's party, but I'm pretty sure the biscuit's are already toast."

Cherise gasped as she hurriedly opened the oven door to see black billows of smoke pouring out.

"Nick!"

"What! I put the temp. at 425 F for 12 minutes!"

"325 F, sweetheart. 325."

"...Oops."

 **17\. Seagulls. Exactly how many times have I told them to stay the hell off my perch?**

Caleb, in bird form, glared at the flock of seagulls. He was taking a late afternoon flight since he couldn't use his wings in front of the mundies.

And he was having a rather nice time of it to, until this flock of pea-brained birds decided to take over his damn tree.

 _Let it go, Cay. You have other things to worry about._

He went to fly back to his house, when one of the seagulls cawed at him, and the rest decided he was a threat, taking off and flying straight towards him.

 _On second thought, I've got time._

Nick and Kody looked up from their table in Cafe Du Monde to see a bird fight of epic proportions taking place above their heads.

Nick narrowed his eyes.

"Is this just me, or do I spy with my little eye...Caleb?"

"Not just you. Dear lord..." She sent her thoughts to Caleb.

 _Cay, what did you do?_

 _I actually didn't start this fight. If you haven't noticed, I try to avoid fights._

 _If you haven't noticed, lately you've been starting most of them._

 _If neither of you haven't noticed, I think those Seagulls have back-up._

Nick pointed at a murder of crows in the distance.

"Are those the Memitims again? Please tell me they're not. They're annoying as heck." Caleb cawed in response.

 _Really? No shit! I didn't notice!_

Ignoring Caleb's sarcasm, Nick looked upon the ever-growing fight in awe.

"You think we should help him?" Kody shook her head.

"As this is a bird fight, I'm not entirely sure we'd be useful. Not to mention if we start throwing rocks at birds, someone will call the cops on us."

"Yeah, but you have wings."

"So do you."

"Yes, but you have the feathered kind. Mine are scaly."

 _Are you two just going to sit there and watch?!_

 _Maybe._

 _Who knows, this might be good for all that pent-up anger._

Caleb rolled his eyes at Kody's optimism.

 _Thanks. Really appreciate you looking out for me._

 _Anytime, hon._

 **18\. You want to know why looking like a teenager sucks, despite living for thousands of damn years? I can't even order a damn drink! I should have just stuck with the Spanish Plaza...**

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have see your ID." Caleb, in stringent annoyance, pulled out his fake ID.

"Alright. Sorry, about that, but you look really young."

"I've been told that a lot." The bartender finally gave him his damn drink, before frowning at another customer...

Ash.

"I'm sorry sir, But I need to see your I.D." The ancient-immortal sighed, and like Caleb, pulled his fake ID out of his pocket.

This happened. Every. Single. Time.

The immortals shared a knowing look before going back to their drinks.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thinking about putting in an extra story. I** _ **did**_ **leave room for related stories...Thanks for reading! Please review! -RS**


	6. Because Caleb's The Adult

**Chapter 6:**

For those of you who reviewed recently and/or have been waiting patiently! SHERRILYN KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING! -RS

 **000000**

 **19\. You wouldn't think this would be an issue...but a sleepy Malachai is a problem. It _really_ is.**

Caleb watched unamused as Nick banged his head into a street lamp- again- on their way to school.

Kody cringed in sympathy, her hands opening and closing in indecision. Should she call Mrs. Gautier and tell her that her son had become the living dead? Or actually let him go to school, as he had been insisting on the entire morning?

Nick blearily stared at the pole in front of him.

He looked up.

He looked down.

"Why is this in my way...?"

Caleb rubbed his face.

"It's a street lamp, Nick. It's supposed to be there." Kody went to Nick's side and gently pulled the seriously sleep-deprived Malachai-sans-adrenaline from the edge of the road.

Nick continued to stare at it.

"But it's in my way..." Kody combed through his hair.

"It's not in your way anymore, hon." Nick looked in front of him, at the clear sidewalk.

"Oh." He rubbed at his face and squeezed his eyes, trying to wake up.

Then his stomach grumbled. He looked at Caleb.

"Oh no, kid. You forgoed breakfast on account of being late to school."

Nick continued to stare at him.

"No, Nick. Conjure it yourself!" Nick slowly blinked and waved his hand lethargically.

Nothing happened.

"Here, sweetie." Kody used her powers to get Nick a package of strawberry Poptarts.

"Dang it, woman! Stop spoiling him! How he's going to learn anything if you keep doing it for him? I swear...he already can't go one day without calling you-"

"Oof!" They spun to see Nick a few yards ahead, on the ground and slowly getting back up.

"Did he just trip? What the hell did he trip over?" While Kody rushed to help him, Caleb decided they were taking way to damn long to walk to school. And as much as he would _love_ missing a day or two...or every school session between now and eternity, there's only so much of a sleepy Nick he could tolerate.

Caleb conjured an air horn and wasted no time in flashing behind Nick and letting it rip.

"AARGGHH!" Nick and Kody jumped, while Nick let out a stream of curses.

"What the hell's wrong with you?! You damn, stupid, evil, Daeva! _Oh my god_ that hurt my ears! Did you seriously have to do that?! _Ow, ow, ow..._ "

Caleb looked at Kody in triumph.

 _He's awake now. You're welcome._

 **20\. Aeron. Have I mentioned He's now living in my house?**

"Aeron, for the love of all that's holy and everything that's damned... _put some damn clothes on."_ The ancient War-god looked up from where he was watching _Brave Heart_ on the couch.

He slowly smiled.

"What? Me nakedness is a might distracting?"

Caleb glowered at him. He made a mental note to separate him from Nick for a few...decades. Nick's bad habits were infecting people.

"Celt or not, I'm going blind here. This being my house, do me a damn favor and learn some modern decency. Which means _put some damn clothes on."_

Nashira, not hearing the conversation, walked into the living room.

Then quickly backed out.

"AERON! Clothes! Have you heard of it?!" Aeron grunted and conjured some 'modern leggings'.

"Sorry, Lassie. I thought you were out. Be no issue when there's no one to see me. But these jeans 'tis rather...constricting. Very uncomfortable. And Talon can walk around _his_ home naked..."

Caleb rolled his eyes.

"Talon is a dark-hunter. _Who. Lives. Alone._ "

Freakin' Celts.

 **21\. Nashira. I have foresight as well...but do you know the pains of living with a seer? DO YOU? 'Cause I don't think you do.**

"I wouldn't do that." Caleb looked over the kitchen table -which only Aeron and Nashira used- at the Yokai spirit who was slurping on her Caprisun.

"And why not?"

 _"Warrior of strength and warrior of might. Remember that he takes slight."_

Caleb rolled his eyes and grabbed a Coke.

"Could you please stop it with the rhymes? Nick already told me that you-"

 _FIZZZ!_

Caleb held his Coke over the sink as the foam spewed out over his clothes and kitchen.

He slowly turned to look at Nashira.

She slurped her juice.

"You could have simply said. 'Oh, Caleb, Aeron messed with your drinks, so you shouldn't open them'."

Nashira shrugged.

"That'd be too easy." Before Caleb could lose his mind- The true object of his anger walked past the kitchen, talking on his newly acquired 'phone'.

 _"AERON!"_ The Ancient Celt looked over at the kitchen and smiled.

"Call you back, my friend. Your brother found his Coke."*

*And as we know, ladies and gentleman. You don't mess with Caleb's Coke.

 **22\. Xev. And Aeron. And Dagon. It's just one migraine after another...**

Nashira stood ram-rod straight in Caleb's peripheral vision. They were at Kyrian's, seeing as Nick and Caleb were partners on a project and Nashira was sick of staying at the house all day.

Nick looked up from where he was working on the floor.

"That's not good. Please, please just tell me that the world isn't going to-" Caleb covered his mouth before he could call down armageddon.

Again.

"Right. Trying not to end the world by speaking it. So, Nashira, what's going on?" She shifted her feet.

"You know how Aeron and Dagon convinced Xev to go outside with them today?" Nick and Caleb nodded.

Both boys knew the War Gods were even worse at staying in the house than Nashira was. And after Aeron's latest prank on Nick-substituting corn starch and water for milk- he couldn't help but agree with Caleb that the Celt needed some _serious_ fresh air.

Cabin fever was killer, and when the ones who had it were War Gods with serious Ninja skills...

Best to give them space.

"Yeah...so what's the problem?" Nick prompted, getting a sinking feeling in his gut. He tilted his head, listening to the ether.

His face paled. Nashira motioned to Caleb.

"You might want to turn on the T.V." He flashed to the living room, keeping in mind that Rosa was in the kitchen and Kyrian was still asleep.

And that he truly did not want to turn on the television.

 _"Strange occurrences today, even for New Orleans! It seems a huge fight involving ten individuals broke at in a grocery store near Bourbon! The instigator of the fight is in custody, but the odd thing is...and don't laugh...is that both he and witnesses swear they saw a fairy riding a cat! I know folks, whose been passing the weed? But shockingly, here we have a blurry video from the stores cameras- as well as-"_

Caleb covered his eyes as Nick gaped at the screen. Nashira shifted from foot to foot.

"Just out of curiosity...whose idea was it to let two war gods and an ex-god roam New Orleans for the afternoon? Alone?" Nick winced as hind-sight 20/20 kicked into play.

"I'll go get them."

Except he didn't have to. Dagon, looking positively flustered and carrying Xev in cat form with Aeron's fairy form hitching a ride on his back, flashed into the room.

Dagon cleared his throat and straightened his clothes.

Caleb folded his arms in anticipation. 'Cause lord knows, this _had_ to have a good story.

Dagon lifted his chin, attempting to keep some semblance of dignity.

"You were wrong, Nick. Grocery stores are very violent places. And In my defense, I didn't start the fight...although I may have ended it." Xev's ears and Aeron's wings flopped down in guilt.

 _We're sorry. We honestly didn't know you can't pay in gold._

 _The wee lass was crying. I simply wanted to calm her tears, but the mother took offense...she thought me a rather large spider. With wings._

Nick made that stupid Nick-face that let Caleb know the gods were getting off scot-free.

"Well...I guess we'll let it slide this time. But next time, I'll make sure either me or Kody goes with you. Caleb, do you think you could get rid of this?" He waved at the T.V. and the commentators.

Caleb looked at the cajun in shock.

" 'Get rid of'-? Are you-?" Caleb looked between the five immortals that made babysitting an art form.

"Of course you're serious."

 _Well, then. Off to do my job as a miracle worker that not even Miracle Max could surpass..._

 _I don't get paid enough for this shit._

0000000

Hope you enjoyed. I'm working on a few short stories to put in here. They just aren't being written as fast as I would like...Oh well. :D

Have a good day!

-RS

PS. Please point out spelling mistakes! REVIEW! Please?


	7. Halloween(I need Beer)

**Hi! I was asked if I could write a little bit more on what happened to the gang on Halloween.**

 **So there. Not sure if it's what was expected, but I tried! Hope you enjoy! :D -RS**

 **Mrs. Kenyon: OWNS EVERYTHING AND SHE ROCKS!**

 **P.S Thank you to everyone who reviewed! They make me smile!**

 **P.S.S THANK-YOU for pointing out spelling mistakes! On the second go-around I found some pretty major ones...This is what happens when you post at 1 am, folks. You forget words and stuff.**

 **Related Stories Time!**

 **000000000000000**

 **Dear Journal,**

 **Remember Halloween? Yeah, not doing that again. Dear gods, Nick's stupidity is infecting me.**

" _What. Are. You. Two. Thinking_." Kody held up her hand before Caleb and Nick answered her.

"No, never mind. Your weren't." She started rubbing her temples, feeling a migraine coming on.

"Ooo Akri-Nick and Akri-Caleb be struttin' their birthday suits! YIPII!" Simi used her BBQ sauce bottles as pom-poms. "It okay's, Akra-Kody! All them Demons-even thems without the nice hornays-is walking around with all their demonness being loose!" Nick stuck his tongue out at Kody.

"You see! Point proven! And by the way, you have no right to talk." He gestured at her armor.

"Yeah, but my wings aren't out and I left my father's shield at home. Everyone else will just assume I'm a soldier...which I am."

"Well, everyone already thinks I'm demonspawn, so that's covered." Simi bounced on her toes and tugged on Kody's ponytail.

"Let's go, let's go!" Nick and Caleb glanced at each other before Nick pointed between Simi and Kody, as if just registering _Simi_ of all beings was standing in the gateway to his school.

"Why is Simi here? She's not coming to school with us, right?" Simi pouted at him.

"The Simi wants to come play with all her friends! And since all the Simi's favorite people are at school..."

Kody sighed. "In other words, Simi's having me sign her in as a visitor."

 _Oh, Hell to the NO..._

Caleb suddenly felt Kody's migraine switch to him.

 _And I thought this day couldn't get any worse..._

 **-Within the first few seconds of entering the school doors-**

Oh, how Caleb hated being right. Couldn't someone- _anyone_ \- just once in his life prove him wrong? Nope. 'Cause Malphas is a damn genius, that's why.

At first, it was only everyone's stares they had to deal with as the students tried to figure out who the _hell_ they were, as if they couldn't tell from Nick's outrageously orange T-shirt.

Then, you had Stone and Co. who figured out Nick was the dude with big wings and two-color skin tone and that Caleb was the one with the orange hair and yellow eyes. (Who, according to Nick, needed to talk L'Oreal.)

Next, you had the cowards who would take a few steps back out of instinct, their brain attempting to process just how _bad_ it would be should either Nick or Caleb fly off the handle.

Last but not least, the wolves who just _have_ to do their alpha strut.

Caleb had to give them credit- like demons, they had serious issues with authority.

Normally Caleb could respect that, but since today _he_ was the authoritarian figure... _-Embyro charge aside-_...all it did was piss him off.

"What kind of crap are you wearin' Gautier? Aren't you a little old to be playing dress-up? Think it makes you look like a man?" Stone did his best to tower over him, but since Nick's recent growth spurt, it just didn't have the effect it used to.

Nick raised a brow.

"Actually, you crotch-sniffing dog, I'm a demon." Caleb felt a chill on his back as the truth rang out in the hallways, and Nick's powers did that oh-so annoying crackle that always got them into loads of trouble. Thankfully, Caleb could sense both Kody and Simi use a smidgen of their powers to dampen the glow.

 _Nick! Seriously?! I just went over this!_

Caleb felt the Nick's power retreat as he remembered their earlier discussion.

 _Right. Look the look, but don't walk the walk. Or talk the talk._

 _Brilliant summeration there, Holmes._

However, Stone and his posse that had already felt the touch of Nick's ancient demonic powers were baring their teeth in a very animalistic fashion. Casey, Brynna, and the others in the 'know' about the preternaturals at their school sent warning looks to their teachers in case the wolves lost control of themselves.

"OY! Fugly looking woof-face! Can you gets out of my way? The Simi needs to walk here, 'cuz I needs to go sign in at the people area and get my ticket! Or is it pass?" Simi looked behind her at Kody, who had steathily grabbed Nick to jerk him behind Simi.

"Sticker, Simi. You need a visitation sticker."

Simi smiling brightly and turned back to face the wolves.

"So could you move? The Simi's friends need to get through, and you doggie's are taking up lots of space." Her eyes flashed red.

Any other time or place, Stone and crew might have actually tied to hit on the beautiful teenage Charonte.

This was _NOT_ one of those times.

They reluctantly backed off at let them pass. Caleb released a breath of air and inclined his head to Simi in thanks.

"Damn, Nick. Not even in the school for less than five minutes and you're already causing trouble."

He pushed at Caleb.

"It wasn't my fault! I'd love to just walk on by and pretend Stone doesn't exist, but _noooo_ \- 'lets all get in Gautier's face even though that's why we have girlfriends!' No offense to you, Kody." He immediately amended. She snorted.

"None taken. Not sure how I would take offense to that, anyway."

They made their way to the front office were Simi was successfully signed in without any further trouble.

So, hurdle one was cleared.

 **00000000000**

Xev tilted his head as he sensed someone of preternatural origin approach the Gautier's apartment.

 _Aeron?_

He flashed some clothes on and went to open the door. Sure enough, Aeron was outside with Dagon, wearing...

"What on Earth are you two wearing? And where is the eye bleach?"

Aeron snorted and handed Xev a box.

"Tis be Nashira's idea. Although I'm not entirely convinced a pumpkin hat will keep away nefarious ghosts and spirits, I know better than to argue with a lass." He stole a glance at Dagon. "And I must admit, He holds the greater indignity." Dagon tore off the Pink Bunny Ears.

"At least the woman's gone. Yeesh. Party or not, I refuse to dress up in this _ridiculous_ attire. I've done my time."

Xev frowned.

"Party?" Aeron moved inside and sat at the kitchen table.

"Apparently, the Sanctuary Bar Mrs. Gautier works at holds an annual Halloween Fest, those who know about our world invited only. Boyo, Kody, and _yours truly_ are planning on attending. Since Dagon would be unable to attend due to his _incredibly_ poor life choices..."

"I helped Lyacon to please my _Wife!"_

"...That led to _extreme_ tragedies for the _entire_ species..."

"Well, yes..."

"...which is why we're assuming Ol 'Dagon here isn't getting an invite, even if his current-freedom status was common knowledge. And since Caleb 'tis a _might_ unreasonable where you're concerned, Nashira has created a get-together for ourselves."

Xev looked between both of them.

"A party? On Halloween? Are you out of your collective minds? We need to keep an eye on the Malachai! Who knows what's going to be after him."

Aeron smirked.

"Exactly!" Xev's stomach pumelted

 _Oh, this can't be good._

 **0000000000**

Caleb groaned at the scene in front of him.

Damage control was desperately needed, but at this point, he was ready to screw it all and microwave some popcorn.

Casey-wearing an _incredibly_ short-skirted little Red Riding Hood costume-had Nick shoved up against a locker and lip-locking him, with Nick trying to shove her off him without hurting her, 'cause _that_ would have had detention written _all_ over it.

Kody was being held back by Brynna and Lashonda, who was yelling at Casey to get-the-hell-off-her-boy or she'd tear her from ass-to-appetite. Simi was holding off Stone by threatening to drench him in BBQ Sauce while Mason _attempted_ to hold his friend back, with said teenage wolf cursing Nick for kissing his girl, as if Nick wasn't the one being molested.

Apparently, everyone, including Caleb, forgot how much stronger Nick's glamour was in demon form.

 _Oops._

 _Think, Caleb, think._ He had centuries of war experience and centuries more of battle strategies and tactics that made Sun Tzu look like an amatuer. Surely, he had something that could stop a hormonal teenage girl from molesting his best friend.

 _Nope. Zilch. Nada._

Sighing, Caleb decided to do what he did best.

 _Improv_.

He shoved his way through the students, making his way to where Nick had managed to force Casey off him, but continued to dodge her kisses. Caleb gripped the back of her red hood and her forearm, pulling her off of Nick.

She struggled against his grip, even going so far as to bite him.

"Hey! I'm allergic to cooties!"

A teacher, hearing the commotion, started breaking up the crowd.

"Everyone, back to class! Casey Woods, what _on earth_ are you doing? Malphas, I'll take her from here." Thankful that he no longer had to deal with her, Caleb gladly handed her over to him.

Then went to go join Kody and Simi, who waited outside the Men's bathroom for Nick.

"Caleb? Could you check on him? He looked really sick."

"Yeah, Akri-Nicky looked ready to hurl. His face was kinda green. That's not a good face to have. It be bad for eats."

"Yeah, I'll check on him." Caleb went inside the restroom to find tooth paste, dental floss, Listerine, and a water cup littering the sink, with Nick furiously brushing his teeth.

"Wow." Nick spit out the paste.

"You know? I've been kissed by her before, but this is the first time I felt the need to do deep cleaning." He chugged down some of the listerine without measuring, gurgling it before swishing it around.

"Should I put a restraining order on her?"

"At this point? Yes. God, Kody's going to be pissed."

"Actually, she's more worried about you. Sure you're alright?" Nick thought about it.

"Did Simi actually BBQ Stone?"

"Nah, the dog slipped by. Again." Nick scowled.

"I'm okay, but that would have made my day instantly better."

"Why, Nick! Are you embracing your inner violence?"

"No, I'm embracing my inner desire for world peace. Which will be impossible with Stone's existence. Therefore, it needs to be eradicated."

Caleb whistled.

"Better not say that 'round your mama, boy. She'd beat you blue."

"I know, right!?" He brushed and listerined one more time before he felt clean enough to leave the bathroom.

"Okay. I'm good. Now to survive the rest of today!"

"Ah, damn it, Nick! _What_ have we told you!"

"Not to call down armageddon...? But I didn't!"

"You basically insinuated the rest of the day was going to be hell." Nick threw his hands up in the air.

"I can't be positive because that's tempting the fates! I can't be negative 'cause I'll actually cause everything to go wrong! I don't win! I give up! Go get Ash to play sage!"

"Ah, stop whining, you overgrown baby. You'll get the hang of this."

"Gah. At least we don't have any homework to worry about. We can go over to the Peltier's without having to worry about my Mom getting on our case."

"Actually, we have math homework."

"What?!"

 **-After school-**

"Nick? Hon, you ready?"

"Yeah, Kody, just give me a sec...there! Done!" Nick finished the last problem on his worksheet. Yeah, that's right. Teachers who assigned homework on Halloween. Were they high? They were lucky Nick feared his mother's wrath more than a bad grade.

Nick switched to Malachai mode and met Kody at his front door.

"Ready! Where's Cay?" She smiled.

"Down stairs, giving your neighbors heart attacks."

"Ah, geez." Ignoring Caleb's hobbies (Which he was incredibly dedicated to), he took a moment to appreciate the full sexiness of his girlfriend; now that they were out of school, she had her wings displayed, and could carry her sword and bow without being reprimanded. And she touched up on her make-up, accenting her egyptian features.

Damn, he was a lucky guy. Forget Casey. His girl was the only one for him.

"Hon, you're drooling again."

"Let me drool! I have a reason too."

 **000000000000**

Outside their apartment, Dagon groaned.

"Oh, gods. I can't watch anymore." Nashira hit his arm.

"We're on Nick-watch duty. And we can't implement our plan if we take our eyes off him!"

"Wouldn't what we're doing count as insubordination?" She rolled her eyes at him.

"Do you really care?"

"Nope. Oh, great. Now they're kissing. I'm going blind here!"

 _Alright, guys! Malphas is inside the building!_

Xev injected himself into their mental conversation.

 _Aeron...I really suggest you re-think this. Nick has a way over-reacting to these kinds of jokes._

 _True. But we could just say it was a pop quiz!_

 _Aeron..._

 _I'm bored!_

 _Oh, gods..._

 **0000000000000**

"Nick?" Asked Xev, cautiously walking out into the hallway. He could sense Caleb, and knew better than to get close. Kody and Nick waited for him to speak.

"Aeron and the other two are planning a few tricks for you tonight." Nick's eyebrows shot up.

"What?"

"They invited me to join in, but I didn't think It'd be something you would enjoy without prior knowledge."

"Well, no. I'd be pissed, depending on what they did." Caleb tilted his head.

"Is that why I sensed those three outside?"

"Yes-" The lights flashed out.

A creepy laugh echoed through the apartment building.

"Uhm...what was that?" Asked Kody giving the hallway and appraising glance.

"Xev...What _exactly_ did they have planned?" A murderous aura surrounded the Daeva. Anyone else would have run screaming for home.

Xev? Not so much.

"Just a magicked, scary maze. It leads directly to Sanctuary." And it was protected from other preternaturals, so the Malachai would be safe. "Aeron and Nashira found out that some people make haunted houses to celebrate Halloween in this century, and wanted to try their hand at it."

Nick thought about it.

"You know...I don't think I mind so much. Now that I have warning, at least." Nick smiled at Kody.

"So, _cher_ , how about a lovely walk through Halloween horrors?" Kody rolled her eyes.

"I can't believe we're doing this. You do realize this is how horror movies always start?"

Caleb groaned.

"No, but this is definitely how migraines start. First, I have to deal with stubborn Malachai dress codes, a Simi threatening to BBQ Stone and Mason, a Casey throwing herself all over Nick, Kody nearly pulling a katana out in school, and now _this._ " Caleb gave a glimet stare at Nick.

"I want a pay raise."

Nick conjured him a coke.

"Oh, no. This calls for a root beer float. With actual beer."

"Once we get to Sanctuary."

"Damn straight." The three of them went to the front of the building, but Nick called Xev over his shoulder.

"You coming?" Xev looked between Nick who offered sincerely, and Caleb, who growled and looked away.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Nick rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, you two can just keep to separate sides of the room once we get to Sanctuary. Come on!"

 **0000000000**

Hah. Hah. Hah.

Caleb wanted to laugh. He really, _really_ did.

But he had a feeling Nick would murder him on the spot.

The moment they stepped outside the building into the street, they were assaulted by piles and piles of torn clown heads.

Some of which had voices that were set on repeat. Nick's eye twitched.

"Oh, _HELL NO!_ AERON, YOU _ASSHOLE!_ WHERE ARE YOU?!" Nick yelled, scanning the sky.

Except instead of the New Orlean's night sky, there was a ceiling of a huge circus tent in it's place.

With clowns on tight ropes, playing with fire.

And juggling the heads of smaller clowns.

"Nick...when Aeron was in your body...exactly how much information about you did he get?" Asked Kody, eyeing the juggling clown with interest.

"Enough to make me strangle him. AERON! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

 _Are you going to attack me, boyo?_

"...No."

 _Me thinks you're lying._

"I think you need to get over here."

 _Nix! I'll be meeting you at Sanctuary!_

The voice retreated, most liking running to where Nick wouldn't be able to attack him without breaking the Limani's restaurant's rules.

As they say, Come in Peace or leave in Pieces.

Which meant Nick had to catch him first.

 _"GET BACK HERE, you damn celt!"_ Nick immediately raced off after Aeron with Xev following at his heels.

Kody and Caleb shared a quick glance before sighing and racing after the immortals.

 **00000000000**

Dagon and Nashira had volunteered to maintain the Maze while the others ran through it, and they had to admit...

They had the best seats in the house.

Nick was slowly gaining on Aeron, and nothing _-Nothing-_ would deter him.

Not the acid pool full of clowns and their decaying bodies and skeletol remains.

Not the zombies who screamed 'Video games' and chased them with gaming consoles.

Not the Killer Bunnies with bloody axes, or the army of mini-Ambrose robots who chanted 'The world is doomed' over and over.

(The robots shot out flaming marshmallows from the mouth in-between phrases, which Nashira thought was cute touch.)

But nothing could save Aeron when Nick finally caught up to him.

Oh, no. And when Malachai was laughing like a loon, you needed to recheck your life priorities.

Dagon and Nashira shared a look.

"He's doomed, isn't he?"

Nashira nodded.

"Like going to hell in a hand-basket."

 **-At the Entrance to Sanctuary-**

Simi quirked her head at the newest group of tricksters to the Sanctuary party.

Akri-Caleb, Akra-Kody and Akri-Nick were breathing heavily with scorch marks on their clothes.

Xev was in his furry-cute cat form that made it difficult for eats...except his fur was all mussed up, even though he was trying to groom it. Nashira was laughing in a corner while Dagon did his best to keep a straight face. And...

"Why's Mr. Celt God a fairy? And wearing that annoying pixie Tinker Bell dress?" Aeron cleared his voice.

"I may hap made to much fun of Boyo." Nick raised his hand, struggling to even his breathing.

"Punishment. He dresses up as a pixie, and stays in his fairy form for the rest of the night."

"Eh? But why? What's Aeron gone and done?" Caleb stretched before answering her question.

"He made a Scary haunted maze. But the main theme was clowns. And he got that information from when he was in Nick's head."

Simi gasped.

"And you didn't invite the Simi?!" Kody laughed.

"Sorry, Sim. Next time, I promise we'll come get you." Simi huffed.

"All the fun happens when the Simi's not there! No Fair, No fair! No treats for you!" Simi went to close the door on them.

"Hey, Simi! Let them In!" Aimee appeared at the door, smiling and wearing a Wonder-Woman Costume.

"Come on in! Have yourself a blast!"

 _ **...And for the rest of the Night, I had to deal with Simi complaining that she missed the chow-time of her life, Xev being in the same room as me, Dagon avoiding everyone who was a were-hunter (Which was everyone in the entire building), Nashira getting drunk, Kody raving about how she should have skewered Casey, and Aeron floating from person to person, turning his punishment into a running joke.**_

 _ **Oh, and helping Nick dodge questions on why his costume was so realistic and avoiding Ash like the plague. Yeah, that was fun.**_

 _ **And don't get me started on what happened between Simi and Nick when the candy was brought out. I was lucky to get a bag of Reese's.**_

 _ **Although I will admit: I got my root beer floats. Plural, because one just does not cover the cost of the day.**_

 _ **Pains in my ass.**_

 _ **-Caleb Malphas.**_

He tossed the journal onto his bed-side table and collapsed onto his bed, fast asleep within moments.

He may have been smiling.

 **00000000000**

 **Aurthor's Note: WHO-HOO! I actually finished a long-but-short story! Hope you enjoyed, I worked rather hard on it! Not entirely sure how many times I re-wrote it...Although everyone all ended up at Sanctuary in the end...I guess Nashira decided to ditch the separate party idea.**

 **Ah, wells! Time to work on the next Chapter!**

 **Have a good day, and please review! Oh, and point out spelling mistakes! -RS**


	8. Yeah, He's Mocking You

**'Nother Chapter. Enjoy!**

 **MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING!**

 **00000**

 **23\. You know how Mark and Bubba teach Zombie Survival classes? Yeah, that's about the only lesson I willingly go to. The _only_ problem? Class never starts on time.  
**

"Mark! Where the hell's the TNT?!" Bubba yelled from the back of the shop, the group of new recruits looking at each other in confusion.

 _Poor N00bs._

"I thought the ATF got on Bubba's case for the Dynamite." Nick snorted at Caleb's comment.

"Yeah, but that was two years ago. And didn't you hear them? Bubba called for TNT, not Dynamite."

"I doubt there's a difference."

"Sure there is! Explosive power."

"Then wouldn't TNT be _worse?_ "

"OY! I think we only have some of the C4 left." Mark answered, looking through some crates.

"How many machines guns do we have?" Replied Bubba, pulling out some tasers and chainsaws.

"From today's shipment? Or yesterday's?"

"Yesterday's. I want to sell the newer ones you haven't dented yet."

"HEY! That bike came out of no where! If he had watched where he had been going, I wouldn't have slipped in the puddle, and I wouldn't have dropped the box! I HAVE BRUISES TOO PROVE IT!"

"Yeah, but you bruised my **merchandise** boy, and I'm making you pay for it. You break it. You buy it." Mark groaned in misery.

"I don't have that kind of money! If I did, I wouldn't be helping you sell them! I'd be buying'em all! Not to mention I'd actually have a hot girlfriend, an awesome house, a sweet stereo system-"

"Stop sniveling! Front and center." Mark sighed and went to stand side by side with Bubba in front of their young padawans.

"Now today, we're going to be reviewing how best to blow a zombie to smithereenees. Mark will show you the basic tools commonly used by professionals, while I be handling the demonstration of explosives, 'cause last time Mark missed and nearly demolished my-" Bubba suddenly cut off and sniffed the air.

"Why do I smell burning?"

Caleb and Nick looked at each other as the rest of the students became aware of the foul, burning odor.

 _That's not wood smoke._ Thought Caleb, maneuvering from his seat in the back of the class to look behind the shop's counter. Nick struggled to keep from grinning.

 _Not again...Wanna bet Mark left foil in the microwave?_

An explosion could heard in the back, as a few terrified students started to grab their bags and leave.

"MARK! Why is there a toaster on fire in my shop?! Boy, if you don't get your behind over here-" Bubba went to throttle Mark's throat, but Mark jumped the counter to run into the back of the shop, with Bubba hunting after him with his Pump-action shotgun.

"Buckshot! Your behind is going to be of _Buckshot_ , do hear me?!"

"It is _not_ my fault the wires frayed! It was in perfect condition when I brought it down here!"

"Do you know how expensive these computers are? If you so much as scorch them-"

"Don't you think I know?! Hel- _lo_ , I work here!"

"Not within the next five seconds, you don't!"

"HAH! Lies! You can't live without your slave labour!"

Crashes, clanks, and shattering could be heard from the back, while Nick and Caleb debated whether they needed to go save Mark.

 _Eh. Just wake me up when the class starts._

Caleb leaned back and started snoring.

 _CALEB!_

Nick didn't have to worry, as both men came out within the next few seconds, Bubba keeping a firm grip on Mark's shirt collar, acting none the wiser.

"Now, as Mark was about to demonstrate-"

Nick felt a wave of Magick moments before a _thud_ hit the door of the shop. Bubba scowled.

"Mortents? What are they doing outside my shop? Their kind don't normally attack large groups on their own..." Bubba shrugged.

"Change of the lesson plans, folks! We're doing a Crash Course in Mortent Banishing!" Nick raised his hand.

"As I'm pretty sure I've mastered that, can I be excused?"

"Why'd you come here, then?! Practice makes permanent, boy! You need to sharpen your skills! Now-" Bubba looked around.

"That's odd. I could have sworn there were more people here earlier. No matter. Nick, go get'em! Caleb, provide back-up, and Mark, be on stand-by! If anyone feels they're in danger, retreat and I'll send'em back to the devil with my regards."

Caleb yawned and stretched as class _finally_ got started.

 **24\. Ignorant teenagers trying to summon the Devil. Have they even _met_ the demon? Trust me, if you had, you'd wouldn't invite him to your party. Just sayin'.**

Caleb waited in line behind a group of giggly teenagers in Erzulie's Voo-Doo shop, struggling to remain impartial.

"What else does the book say we need?" the short girl asked, sliding up to the college-aged boy next to her with obvious intentions. Sucks that the boy was going to find out too late she was under-age.

And that Satan had a twisted sense of humor.

The boy flipped a few pages in the book.

"Says something about sand...some incense...a little blooood." He stretched, poking the girl in the stomach.

Caleb groaned.

 _Humans._

At the register, Ana grimaced and prepared her Are-You-Sure-You-Want-To-Do-This-'Cause-Your're-Going-To-Regret-This speech while Tiyana whistled and re-stocked the shelves.

"Look, kids. This isn't a game. What you're trying to do is going to end up _badly_. I suggest you put those items back and leave."

A shorter boy with greasy hair that was with the other two curled his lip.

"Just ring us up, you old hag! We don't have all night to stand here being lectured!"

Caleb's eyes flashed red.

Ana sighed and rang them up, watching them go with a sad shake of her head.

"Every month. I try to stop them and they just don't listen."

"Maybe they need a little more persuasion." Ana looked at Caleb's wicked grin.

"Ooo, don't do anything you'll regret, child."

"It's a little to late for that. One more stunt isn't going to kill me."

 **0000000**

The group of teens walked down the street, oblivious to their stalker.

"So, where does it say we should go? A dark forest? The swamp?" The girl slid her arm around the college boy's waist.

"Actually, he would probably prefer a brothel with barrels of blood and a harem of virgins, but that's just going off on rumors."

The kids swung around to see a vision of hell, chaos, and ancient powers promising them a punishment the likes they would never be able to create in their worst nightmares.

AKA: Caleb Malphas when someone insulted a person he actually _Liked._

The boy who insulted Ana sputtered.

"A-ah...AAARRGGHHH!" He turned and ran, shoving the girl and college boy out of the way.

"Ooh no you don't." Caleb Grabbed him by the back of the shirt and flew upwards, careful to keep anyone else from witnessing the event.

"Now, you see, I'm a patient demon. Really. Hell, I'm even a polite one. Most days. But it _irritates_ me when I walk around and see humans like you, and your friends, -who are about to do something so _tantamountly stupid_ I can't even begin to fully describe your actions- _Insult_ someone who is genuinely worried about you and your health." The kid hung from Caleb's grip, staring downwards and thrashing about.

"Now, you're going to go _back_ to the store and apologize to Ana for calling her an 'old hag', and _thank her_ for watching out for a ungrateful prick like you. And you're going to pretend you never saw me, and this never happened. _Capisce_?" The boy, no longer having the words to speak, nodded furiously. Caleb set him down and let him run back to the store, tail between his legs.

"Where do you think you're going?" The other two, at first frozen in shock by what they were seeing, were now trying to slip away into an alley.

"U-uhm...H-here..we don't want anything to do with it! W-we just found it! We'll never do anything like this again, we promise!" Caleb nodded and took the book from the college boy, not stopping either of them when they ran for it. Before Caleb forgot, he called back after them.

"By the way, the girl's underage!"

Caleb transported the book to his house, where it wouldn't tempt anyone.

 _Malphas...exactly what are you doing?_ The dark, slinky voice settled around Caleb like a noose.

 _My daily good deed for the day. What can I say? I've been dragged to church one to many times._

 _Cheeky. Don't think I'll let this slide._

Pfft.

 _Take a number._

The voice retreated, and Caleb switched back to human form.

"Hey , Caleb! What's up?" Nick approached him from the Deli shop.

"Talking to Satan. What about you?" Nick paled and immediately crossed himself.

"I really hope that was a joke."

"Since when do I joke about things like that?" Nick crossed himself again before grabbing Caleb by the arm and dragging in him the direction of the St. Louis Cathedral.

"Hey! What's the big deal?"

"We're getting Father Jeffery to baptize you!"

"Nick...I am NOT getting baptized."

"Then no more consorting with evil beasties that have thousands of books and warning labels attached."

"Like you?"

"EXCUSE MOI?! Asshole!" Caleb laughed.

"Actually, I'm incredibly grateful that unlike most of these idiots, you're intelligent."

Nick took three steps back and pulled out his phone.

"Caleb, someone's rattled your brain, and I'm calling Kody for back up." Caleb rolled his eyes.

"Shut up and take the compliment." Nick held his hands up in defense.

"Hey, when you start acting weird, shit normally goes downhill. By the way, what's in the bag?"

"Demon Candy. Erzulies carries some I like." Nick's eyes shone.

"Can I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

Nick batted his eyelashes.

"But Caly-boo! Aren't good boyfriends supposed to share? You're neglecting me!" Caleb's eye twitched, especially when Nick latched onto his arm.

 _I take it back. He's stupider than stupid's third cousin twice removed._

 **25\. Nick's Vanity.**

"I am not vain. I'm just..."

"Vain."

"NO! It's just...Simi has horns. YOU have horns. Ash has really big freakin' horns. Where are mine*?! Did my father have horns?" Nick squinted in his bathroom mirror in his Malachai form, tusseling at his now straight-black hair. Caleb flipped a page in the car magazine he was reading.

"Your father has horns, but he's...oh, I don't know, a few _thousand_ of years older than you." Simi munched on her BBQ chips On Nick's bed before inputting her opinion.

"The Simi already had hers when she was a little Simi." Caleb rolled his eyes.

"3 for you is _three thousand_ for us." Simi shrugged.

"I was still a little Simi." Kody pointed at Sim with her ice-cream spoon.

"So what you're saying, is that Nick has at least few centuries to wait before he has little horn stubs. That's going to be so cute!" She squealed. Nick poked his head out of the bathroom.

"Yeah, cute. That's just what I want from my enemies when I go fight. _'Here comes the Malachai, get ready-Oh never mind, we can't fight something that cute and adorable. We'd all go to hell.'_ And then they'd all start laughing, because who ever heard of an all-powerful demon without horns?" Nick scowled in the mirror.

"Ooo, Ooo! The SIMI CAN MAKE YOU HORNS!"

"Really?!"

Kody shook her head.

"No, Sims. They'd have to be detachable for when he becomes human again."

"Well, poo."

Nick pouted and switched back to being a human, sitting on the floor of his room in defeat.

Caleb conjured some red devil horns and put them on Nick's head.

"Feelin' better, Punkin?"

"Now you're just mocking me."

"Duh."

 **0000**

 **Author's Note:**

 ***Alright guys, truth time. Even though I imagine the Malachai with horns-especially Adarian- I can't find a _single freakin'_ line in the any of the books that specifies Nick has horns in Malachai form. If anyone can find it, _please_ tell me where it is! Because, I CAN'T! And I _know_ Caleb has horns from the Manga version. You know what? Mrs. Kenyon's next Q &A I'm asking that question. Hands down. 'Does Nick have horns in Malachai form' gonna phrase it just like that.**

 **Also realized that Caleb would make an epic Mafia Boss. But then remembered Caleb used to work for Thorn, and that guy really IS the demon Mafia. It all works out! Oh wait, unless Thorn _is_ Satan, than the snippet I just wrote maketh no sense. Hey, look, I have another question for Mrs. Kenyon! Although I'm pretty sure someone else already asked that question and the answer was no...eh, I'll just ask again.  
**

 **Hope you enjoyed, and please review! They make me smile! And alert me of bad spelling mistakes! -RS  
**

 **PS. I am working on the next short story, so hopefully that'll be the next chapter!**


	9. I Can Dance I Just Don

**I was asked to do a Prom/Dance theme as a request! Again, not sure if it meets all the requirements, but I did try! Although I decided on Winter Formal, since most of my snippets seem to take place in fall or around there...and it makes more sense for the story. :D**

 **I actually had this written a few days ago...but...yeah. Nerves. Hopefully y'all like it!**

 **MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING! 'CAUSE SHE'S AWESOME!**

 **Related Stories Time!**

 **I Can Dance. I Just Don't Want To.**

 **000000000**

"Do you _have_ to go?"

Nick rolled his eyes at Caleb's strained voice. You'd think the apocalypse commeth...and since they had already been through multiple together, Nick had that tone of voice down to a T.

"Dude, it's just a dance. Kody and I have _both_ been looking forward to this. A chance to act normal and pretend that I don't sprout wings whenever I'm pissed." Caleb pushed the grocery cart as Nick moved down the candy aisle, tossing in another bag of Hershey Kisses.

"Look. If you go, I go. And no offense? Caleb don't wanna go. Helping setting up for the dance? Fine, I can do. Participating? I have better ways to spend my nights."

"Look, it's only for _one_ night. I'm sure you can find a date."

"Of course I can find a date. That's not an issue. Finding one that's school appropriate, though..." Nick covered his ears.

"TMI. That's more than enough of your Night Life I need to know about, Cay!"

Caleb rolled his eyes.

"Sooner or later, you _will_ grow up...By the way, what's with all the Kisses?" Nick batted his eyes at him.

 _Oh, Gods-_

"Why, don't I always shower you with love and affection, my darling little Caly-Boo?" Nick chirped in that horridly high-pitched voice.

Caleb had no trouble shoving the shopping cart into his legs.

"OW! Geez..." Nick patted down his legs, feeling for bruises.

"Harsh, much? They're for Kody. I thought up a cute way to ask her to Formal, and since my Mom's always gushing about romantic, sappy stuff...thought I'd give it a try." Nick grinned in triumph.

"Riiiiight. But back to the earlier discussion-"

"I'm going, Caleb. You're gonna half to suck it up and find a date."

 _Great. Just what I was looking forward to.  
_

They went to the check-out counter so that Nick could pay for the Hershey Kisses and miscellaneous groceries. But then Nick started shifting from foot to foot, his face morphing of one if displeasure.

By the time they got out of the store, he looked completely depressed.

"I'm probably going to regret this...But what's going on? I'm a telepath, not a mind reader. Although I can be on occasion when I'm in the mood to snoop." Caleb leveled a gaze at Nick that said share or be invaded.

Nick opened and closed his mouth, as if trying to frame the words. Then finally spoke.

"You know how Winter Formal is normally...they have more slow dances?" Caleb nodded.

"Yeah. So what, you don't know how to dance?" Nick nodded.

"Yeah, and I don't want to embarrass Kody."

"Well, why don't you just ask your Moth-"

Oh.

Oh, _shit._

This was treading into the evil no-mans land where Caleb remembered Nick didn't exactly have the most perfect and regular childhood.

 _"_...Your Mom never let you learn, did she?" Nick sped up.

"It's not that she forbid me, or anything dumb like that. I just didn't want to learn before. My Mom actually encouraged me to learn different dances, so that I would know there was more to dancing than what she did."

But it obviously bothered him quite a bit, or he wouldn't bring it up.

 _Okay, Malphas. Think fast.  
_

"Look, I can teach you how to dance, but I'm not exactly the best dance teacher. If you really want help, Kyrian's your best shot. As a Greek prince, he would have been required to learn at least a few when they threw parties and had visiting dignitaries. You could also ask Kody herself. She probably knows. Or Mark or Bubba." Nick shook his head.

"I want to surprise her." Nick leaned his head back in thought.

"And I just can't imagine Mark or Bubba knowing how to dance. Bubba, _maybe_. But Mark?...Other than The Chicken Dance, I can't see it."

"Kyrian it is then."

 **Learning How to Dance:**

Nick, Caleb, and Kyrian stood in the old Ball Room of Kyrain's house _(Which is actually a mansion, but who's splicing the details?)_ starting their impromptu dancing lesson.

"Now, I'm going to start you off with a waltz. It's one of the most basic dances to learn, and the one used most frequently at weddings, parties, and anywhere there's slow music. As a box step, it's also one of the simplest to learn."

"Box step? Uhm..like a square dance? 'Cause I know the square dance. Had to learn it in fifth grade."

"Not exactly. How you step is similar to the shape of a square. Now-" Nick perked up as Ash's presence filled the house. A second later he opened the door to the Ball Room.

"Well, this odd. Why's everyone gathered here?"

Caleb answered.

"Nick's learning how to dance the waltz." Ash's eyebrow shot north in mirth.

"Really? What for?"

"Winter Formal. I want to impress Kody with my awesome dancing poweress!"

"Figures. That sounds about right." Ash took a seat next to Caleb.

"What? You gonna watch me fail?"

"I have things to discuss with Kyrian, but they can wait until after your lesson is finished." Ash smiled.

"And yeah, I wanna watch. If you're going to be doing this up on the dance floor, you'll need to get used to an audience." Nick groaned. Now he could officialy embarrass himself in public, _and_ he was going to humiliate himself a second time when he danced with Kody.

How'd he even _forget_ that little tidbit?

"Make fun of me, and I will go out of my way to annoy you." There wasn't a lot of ammo Nick could use against the Ancient God. Being a Pain-In-The-Nick was pretty much it.

"Nick, I'm the last person who'd embarrass _anyone._ " Ash motioned for Kyrian to start.

The irritated Dark-Hunter continued from where he was cut off.

"Now, the Man normally leads the dance. Since you're a beginner, you're learn the woman's part first. Once you're good at it, we'll switch. First we face each other, and the Man puts his hand on the Woman's left shoulder blade, or more often than not the waist, like so-"

"No offense Boss, I'd don't want to be this close to you." Kyrian rolled his eyes.

"There's a foot of space between us."

"And that's a foot closer to you than I want to be."

"For the _love of the Gods_ , pay attention and keep your smack to a minimum. At least your dance instructor isn't an old fogey who'll give you demerits if you trip."

"Well, if we're talking age-" Kyrian glowered at him.

"As I was saying. Then the Man's right arm goes at a 90 degree angle- yes, that's where your hand goes. Don't give me that disgusted look, Cajun. You're the one who asked for help. However, your left hand goes on my shoulder. Correct. Now, we'll do the basic steps without music, so you can get the general motions down. Now, your right foot goes back, not forward...Your other right. 1,2,3...Now step to the side- left, I mean. A little farther-"

Nick tripped over Kyrain's feet.

"Oops."

"It's okay. We'll start again." A few minutes later and they still weren't progressing past the first few steps. For some reason, Nick kept tripping over Kyrain's feet or misstepping.

 _It's official. I am the crappiest dancer to ever crash-land to the earth, 'cause I do not have ANY grace. At all._

Caleb sipped on his Coke while Ash sighed as Nick made yet another mistake. Ash couldn't believe he was going to say this, but...

"It might be you're to close together in height. If Nick knew the steps, the height difference wouldn't matter. But for learning, the extra height might help him out." Ash stood and set his backpack down.

"Let me try."

Nick gaped at him, while Kyrian switched out.

"What? I know how to dance."

"Seriously!? Since when?"

"Oh, I don't know...since 10,000 years ago? 9,753? Give or take a few centuries? Not like I had time, or anything."

Ash got into position and started them on the motions again.

Nick stepped on his toes.

"Uh-"

"Don't worry. Goth boots have cores of steel. Now, the other part of your problem is that you're thinking to much. Stop that, and watch me."

"You say that like it's- What the-" Ash sped up their dancing pace, and called for Kyrian.

"General? Would put in the music please?" Nick panicked.

"What? NO!"

Kyrian, ignoring his squire in favor of listening to his boss, played the music at a slightly faster tempo. Nick growled.

"You're not an Ash, You're an Ass!"

"Right. I walk around on four legs and slower than molasses. Good thing I have a thick skin, or that might have insulted my feelings. Now spin."

"Wha-? No spin, No spin! Since when is there a spin?!"

Kyrian looked over Caleb's shoulder.

"...You're recording this?"

"For posterity's sake. Someone has to look out for the children."

Nick blanched.

"Caleb! Turn that thing off! NOW!"

"Ah, but Nickyboo! Your Mother needs to see this!"

"NO, she doesn't! She has plenty of baby photos to sustain her for the rest of eternity!" Ash nodded as he listened to Caleb and Nick argue back and forth.

"So, Nick, do you think you have it?" Nick looked at Ash in confusion. Until he realized that from the moment he stopped thinking about what he was doing, Nick graduated from fumbling fool to expert dancer.

In fact, didn't the same thing happen with the Band tryouts? Once he went with the flow and let his Malachai powers do the work, everything started making sense.

 _Malachai Genetics! Cutting down learning time every chance they get!_

 _Order now and get yours today!_

"Sweetness!"

"Yeah, teach you how to drive, teach you how to dance. You can't learn anything without me."

Kyrain and Caleb scowled at the Atlantean.

"Hey! I've been teaching him Sword techniques!"

"And I teach him how not to be a flaming Moron. Pretty much every day."

"What is this? Battle of my Instructors? Do I need to buy tickets?"

Ash laughed at Nick and called out for Rosa, who was doing some cleaning in the hallway.

"As the only person in this house who is shorter, we would appreciate your help with the second half of Nick's waltz lesson." She grinned.

"Of course, _mijo._ I know all kinds of dances, including _la Salsa_ and _Tango_. Just say the word, and I'll teach you!"

Now used to the motions, Nick pined down the second half without any trouble, and he and Rosa were spinning across the floor to music in no time.

"Hey, Caleb! Wanna dance?!" Caleb gave him an immediate thumbs down.

"Not on your life, Gautier!"

"Ha! Well, now that I actually know what I'm doing...this is kinda fun! Thanks you guys! Now, to go finish preparations!" Caleb's smile faded.

"What? There's more? I thought that was it!" Ash laughed at his misery.

"Have fun, Malphas."

 **Tux Shopping:**

"Nick...I could have just conjured the tuxes." Caleb glared at the mirror. Hadn't he already discussed his dislike for the Mall? 'Cause Caleb was pretty sure he mentioned it somewhere. For that matter, he knew for a _fact_ Nick didn't care for it and avoided the place like the plague.

"My Mom would get suspicious if I just conjured an expensive looking suit from no where. I at least need to buy one, get the receipt, return the tux and get my money back. _Then_ conjure one. Or at least rent one. Then I have proof, I lose no money, and my Mom's none the wiser. Not to mention I might not be talented enough to conjure a tux with my exact size." Caleb raised a brow.

"I'm impressed. You actually thought that all out?"

"You know, I _do_ have a modicum of intelligence."

"Marginally." Caleb stared at himself in the mirror.

"But screw the bow-tie. If I'm going, it's with a real tie."

"Ah, come on. You don't want one a these neon blue and purple polka dot ones? I think they'd be a winning match for your red complexion!" Caleb threw his hand out and set the bow tie on fire.

"Ow! Jerk! You're gonna pay for that!"

"What are you going to do? Bleed on me?"

"No, I mean you're actually going to pay for that!"

"Sure. Why not? Not like I don't burn things on a regular basis."

 **Actually Asking Kody To Formal:**

"Okay, is she gone?"

Caleb looked at Nekoda's front door, while simultaneously shielding them from her line of vision/power as she walked down the street.

"Yeah, she just left." They hightailed it to the front door, slipping inside before she could look around.

"Okay. _Now_ will you tell me what we're doing?" Nick screwed up his face.

"You're going to laugh. So no. Just keep an eye out." Nick bee-lined for Kody's bedroom. After about 20 minutes, Caleb got fed up and went to go find out what was taking him so long.

Caleb pulled up short at the door in shock.

On the ground, Nick had set different flavors of chocolate Hershey Kisses on the floor in a trail from the door to the bed, and on the bed was a cute, stuffed Demon plushie (With little stubby horns) holding a paper that said:

 **"Now that I've kissed the ground you walk on, will you go to Formal with me? -Nick"**

"Ooh, my Gods. You are _such_ a sap. I don't know why you're blaming all of this on your Mom, because you are just-"

"OUT! Out! Did I say you could come in here?! No, No I did not. MUSH! AVAST!"

 **Finding Caleb A Date:**

"Simi, _no_."

"No, no, no. The Simi don't like that word. That's not what the Daeva says. What Malphas say is "Yes, Simi, I would love to take you to Formal. Here, let me buy you one of them tasty flowers the Simi always sees on T.V that them pretty young woman wear and take you out to eat with the Simi's friends Akri-Nick and Akra-Kody so that we can all have fun together!"

Caleb backed up over his couch as the insistent Female Charonte followed him.

"May I remind you that your father would kill me? No, he wouldn't just kill me. He'd torture me first. Then he'd laugh hysterically while I screamed in pain because I dare take you out anywhere, even as friends."

"What Akri don't know won't hurt him."

Caleb paled and looked for an escape.

"Aeron, Nashira, get the hell out of my way!"

Aeron pressed his lips together and shook his head, doing his best not to laugh.

"Methinks you should court the lass for a night. She even came here to properly ask."

And Simi had. Apparently, she had questioned either the Peltiers or Nick for pointers, because she carried a large, Overly-fluffy bear with demon horns attached carrying some BBQ Sauce in it's hands.

"Simi, look. I can't go out with you. We both know that would be a horribly bad idea across all boards." Simi's wings drooped in disappointment.

She started sniffling.

 _OH, CRAP!_

"Then again, living dangerously is basically my past time. Who wants to live forever?" Simi perked up immediately and threw hers arms around him.

"YEEEAAAHH! THE SIMI GONNA GETS SOME EATS AND DANCIN'!"

 _I am so screwed..._

Caleb whimpered.

 **Getting Flowers:**

"Uh, what color is your dress again?"

 _"Shouldn't you have asked me that question BEFORE you got your tux?"_

"It's alright, the shirt I'm wearing is just plain white."

 _"The color is amethyst purple."_

Nick looked at the rows of the different shades of purple corsages.

"Um...Can I look at the dress?"

"Nope! Not until the dance! :D."

 _Well then. Right. Soo..._

"Light purple, or Dark purple?"

"Light."

"Excellent." Breathing a sigh of relief, Nick choose a corsage that he hoped looked close to a light purple/amethyst color.

He really should have brought his Mom for this...

 **Dinner Reservations:**

"Wait, what do you mean you're full? Look, I just want a party of four, and I'm wiling to pay top dollar-"

"Ooo, ooo! The Simi can help pay!" Simi pulled her Black American Express Card and waved it in the air, watching as Dagon and Aeron pummel each other via video games.

"-So put me on the list-" Caleb should have _never_ agreed with Nick to get them the stupid dinner reservations. Forget this shit. Caleb was-

"Hellooo? Mr. or Mrs. table people? My name's Simi Parthenopeous, and the Simi wants her table. You makin' Malphas get all frustrated and bloaty, and he such a handsome demon when he not yelling or you makin' his face red. I needs Malphas to be a handsome demon, and that means you gonna needs to give us the table, or I'm gonna go call Akri and tell him you didn't give the Simi what she wanted."

 _"Simi Parthenopeous? Who's-"_ Some voice in the background answered the guy manning the phone. _"Oh, Dear! I'm so sorry, Ma'am! I didn't realize it was your boyfriend-"  
_

Caleb smacked his face, bemoaning his approaching death. He'd leave the house to Nick in his will. Nick would be left to Kody. Aeron, Nashira and Dagon could all go to the highest bidder.

 _ _"-who was trying to reserve a table!_ No reservations necessary, just walk in and we'll have a table ready!"_ At the side of his mouth, the guy manning the voice whispered. _"Why didn't anyone tell me she's free to walk in?!"_

Simi hung up the phone with a click.

"Now the Simi can go gets her eats! Whoo-Pee!"

Caleb stared at the phone.

"I've been arguing with them for an hour! Why didn't you do that earlier?!" Simi shrugged.

"The Simi finely gots tired of it."

 **Going to the Dance:**

Nick couldn't help it. When Caleb had called him and morbidly told him he had found a date, Nick had thought his tone of voice was from his lack of desire to go. Not that Simi had basically forced him to.

So yeah, Nick laughed hysterically at Simi, who was dragging the poor demon down the street and through the restaurant lobby despite the fact she only wore a form-fitting red dress with black roses and high heels, foregoing her normally black goth attire for the night. She aimed right for their table.

Kody laughed at Caleb's hopeless look.

"Come on, Cay! Lighten up! Tonight's a night to be enjoyed!" Caleb shook his head.

"If I don't die from this, it's going to be a miracle."

"WAITER! THE SIMI WANTS HER MENU!"

 **-At the Dance-**

Nick tapped his fingers nervously on the table before finally standing up. Caleb was over by the punch table- typical wall flower, while Simi chatted with La Shonda, her boyfriend, Brynna, and Byrnna's date.

Which happened to be Xev.

How that came about when Xev _never_ left the house and to his knowledge had _never_ met Brynna, Nick had no clue. The ex-god hadn't even told him he would be attending.

But Nick was sure it had something to do with Aeron and Nashira patrolling outside of the dance building. After the Halloween stint-with Dagon constantly having to avoiding the Were-hunters lest they kill him-the old Akkadian God had opted out for this event.

Not that Nick blamed him, but he _really_ didn't need to be distracted by those bits of information right now.

Nick held out his hand to Kody as they called for couples to go to the dance floor. His face blushed red.

"Um...would you like to...dance?" His voice got quieter with every word. Geez, how hard can this be? He already asked her here for Christs' sake! And this was Kody, his girlfriend! She wouldn't laugh at him!

...Right?

She looked up at him in surprise before smiling wide.

"Sure! I'd love that!" They walked out the dance floor, and Nick did his best to remember all the details Kyrian, Ash, and Rosa taught him, before he remembered that as long as he relaxed, everything would be fine and he would turn into a dancing boss. Which is _exactly_ what happened.

The couple spun around the floor, going with whatever tempo was present, laughing and having fun.

"CALEB! YOU SHOULD JOIN US!" yelled Nick, to where Caleb leaned against the wall by the Punch table.

"Umm, NO. You see, I'm rather fond of the punch here, and I need to guard it from-" Simi grabbed his arm and pulled him to the dance floor.

"Come'on Malphas! Lettuce dance! The only thing ick rabbit food good for-Puns!"

"Wait, Hold on-" Too late, the Charonte was spinning him around the floor way past the tempo, doing her own thing and not giving a damn.

Byrnna tugged on Xev's Sleeve.

"Do you want to dance?" Xev smiled softly at the girl. For whatever reason, Aeron had dragged him over to Nick's school, insisting he needed to join society. As if the hulking Celt wasn't doing the bare minimum of healthy human interaction himself. Regardless, Brynna had graciously offered to be his date for the evening since hers had canceled last minute.

"It would be my pleasure."

 **-Outside the Building, on the Roof.-**

Aeron looked down through a sky light to see everyone dancing, before turning and to look at Nashira.

"No, Aeron."

He continued to stare at her.

"Celts were known for their dancing."

"I'm pretty sure Celts were known for a lot more than that." Aeron shrugged.

"Aye, but since _everyone else_ is dancing, why not take some share of the fun?" Nashira thought about it.

"Oh, what the hell? Thousands of years in a book, why not do something ridiculous?"

 _ **...So basically, Simi had me dancing for nearly every song after that point. Worse, she refused to keep to the tempo or beat, saying she had a song stuck in her head that she wanted to dance to more, and that I was going to dance with her. Period. End of discussion. We looked like two lunatics on the dance floor, and Nick- that son a bitch- wouldn't stop laughing. Kody didn't help matters by telling Simi she was doing great.**_

 _ **Traitors, the lot of them.**_

 _ **And why the hell was Xev there? I saw him with Brynna! How the hell did that happen? At least Aeron and Nashira kept to the roof. Gods forbid I see them more places than at home.**_

 _ **Dagon, the lucky bastard, had the house to himself for the entire night. Definitely the smartest one in the group.**_

 _ **Gah, my head hurts. Hell, my feet hurt.  
**_

 _ **-Caleb Malphas**_

Caleb yawned and loosened his tie, to tired to even toss his journal back on the bed-side table. He fell asleep then and there, with the book still open and picture of him, Nick, Simi, Kody, Xev, and Byrnna from Winter Formal lodged inside.

 **-A few days after the dance-**

Cherise Gautier came home to her apartment from work with the couch and side tables pushed up against the wall, with Nick _actually vacuuming_ the carpet.

"Boo? Are you alright?! What did you do with the furniture?" Nick looked up from his work and started putting the vacuum away.

"Oh, yeah! I was just making some room!" Cherise put her keys on the table and frowned.

"Room? For what?" Nick turned on the CD player he had borrowed from Kyrian.

"Wanted to dance with you! Kyrian, Ash, and Rosa taught me how, so I figured I'd show you what I learned!"

Cherise blinked for a few seconds as she realized what her son was asking. She giggled.

"Of course I want to dance with my Baby Boo! But I might step on your toes!"

And thus they danced, laughing and enjoying the music.

 **Author's Note:**

 **I might have skipped a few steps on how exactly to go about planning for a dance, let alone Winter Formal- like paying for a Limo, getting the proper Identification forms from invited students who don't attend your school and the like. But seriously, going to either Winter Formal or Prom is a serious business, especially depending on what US state you live in and what County/City School District you're under. As for the dancing...I had to look most of it up. I do not know how to waltz. But I think the idea got across.  
**

 **And the the idea Nick used to ask Kody to formal was something my older brother did for his at-the-time-girlfriend. I thought it was cool, so I used it. I'm not sure I made this chapter as funny as the others, but that's okay. I loved writing it! -RS**

 **P.S Also, class is starting soon, so I'm not sure how fast I'll be able to update. But I. AM. GOING. TO. If it's the last thing I do...**

 **P.S.S Point out Spelling mistakes and Review! Please?**


	10. You People Are Bored

**Authors Note: I got more reviews! That makes me super happy! Also, Sorry I haven't updated for the past few weeks. My brain has been fried, which makes coming up with creative ideas a little more difficult than normal. Tried to make this chapter little longer to make up for it. Hopefully I'll get into the swing of things soon! Please Enjoy! Check my spelling and Please review! -RS  
**

 **Mrs. Kenyon OWNS EVERYTHING! CAN'T WAIT FOR INFINITY TO BE A MOVIE! (Yes, they have a movie deal for those of you who don't know.)**

 **You People Are Bored.**

 **26\. Nick's recent texting binge.  
**

Normally, Kody wouldn't dream of thinking about the possibility. She knew Nick loved her and would never intentionally hurt her. But Nick had been glued to his phone non-stop for the past two weeks, checking his phone every few minutes. (For him, at least.) Could Nick be cheating on her?

She knew Caleb wasn't texting him, and he sure as hell wasn't texting _her._ None of the friends in their circle were using their phones at the same time Nick was, and Kyrian slept during the day.

 _Someone at Sanctuary?_ But most people from Sanctuary Nick was close to went to school with them, or they weren't phone savvy...

She highly doubted Bubba or Mark would hold a conversation of this frequency and length. They were too much like Nick; little to no free time on their hands.

So it stood to reason- who on Earth was holding King ADD's attention for more than 10 seconds?

For nearly _two weeks_?

She glanced next to her at Nick, who was chuckling under his breath at something on his phone. He sent a message, before going back to his school lunch.

Within seconds the phone buzzed. Nick dutifully slide his phone out of his pocket to text back.

They'd been seated for more than ten minutes and Nick had _yet_ to eat a bite of food.

Caleb caught her gaze behind Nick's back and jerked his chin at the Cajun.

 _Something's up._

Kody's eyes glinted dangerously. If she wasn't the only one who noticed, then maybe her fears weren't dumbfounded...still, she'd give him the benefit of the doubt. She tugged on the edge of his ugly, foul, and yellow Hawaiian shirt.

"Sweetie? Who are you texting?" He looked at her in surprise, sporkful of mash potatoes halfway to his mouth.

"Ash. Why?" Caleb covered his mouth to keep from laughing, while Brynna covered her eyes. Maduag leaned forward.

"Soo...Kody might kill me for this, but is Ash cute? 'Cause you've been texting her non-stop. And I usually don't pay attention to that."

Brynna choked on her milk, forcing Lashonda to pat her back.

"Ash, isn't a girl, Madaug. _Not. A. Girl._ "

Nick's face paled in aghast as he stared at everyone at the table before going back to Kody, panicking.

The look was so, perfectly hysterical Kody forgave him instantly; although she wasn't sure how to feel about her uncle texting her boyfriend to distraction...That would be analyzed at a later date.

"Kody, I am _not_ cheating on you! I swear! Ash is just bored out of his mind! He's being held somewhere for two weeks, and convinced whoever's in charge of that place to a least give him a phone! He's not allowed to call anyone, only text. And no DH stuff, which is why he's not talking to the other Dark-Hunters. I'm exempt as a friend and Squire."

"So...you've been texting Ash every few seconds for two straight weeks because he's just _that bored_?" Nick scratched his head.

"Kind of. You see, when I asked where he was, Ash did his typical none-answer. So I kept asking questions. He started to respond either Yes or No. It morphed into the game of **_Where-The-Hell-Is-Acheron_**. And the asshole's really specific to- I can't just say 'Are you in Candyland', have him say yes, and the game's over. No, I need to ask if he's sitting, standing, laying down, hanging off the edge of a peppermint stick in the peppermint forest of Candyland- which is where I last found him." Kody chuckled at the ridiculousness of the situation and her own embarrassment.

"You've playing a game with Ash this whole time?" Nick nodded.

"Oh, yeah, things get super intense. The first game, it took me three days to find him. One day to realize he wasn't on Earth; another to figure out he was in a manga called _Hellsing_ ; and the next day to deduce which building in the manga, where he was and what he was doing. I had to actually go and read the series. He meant to piss me off to the point I stopped asking questions, but you know how I am with that."

Yeah, _'Stubborn'_ was Nick's middle name, along with _'Trouble'_ and _'Danger_ '.

Kody blinked, before leaning forward to address Caleb on Nick's other side.

"Cay! Your Boyfriend's cheating on you!" Caleb rolled his eyes.

"Oh, Damn. Nick paying attention to another guy. Truly, I've been wronged." His words dripped with sarcasm. Nick smirked.

"Ah, Caly-boo! Did you finally admit to our undying love?!"

"What love? Aren't you cheating on me?"

Nick threaded his arm through Caleb's and pulled him close.

"Why, I would _never_ -" His phone buzzed, and he immediately dropped Caleb's arm to answer it. Caleb snorted.

"Oh, yeah. You're really defending your case now. _'I would never...'_ I call B to the S."

 **27\. Marls/Marla.  
**

"Alright, that's It! He's the last straw! I demand my refund on life!" Caleb froze in the threshold of the Gautier's apartment, stunned to find an irate Marls pointing an accusing finger at him.

 _The Hell? I'm not even in the door yet!_

Ash was at the Gautier's dining table, arms folded with an uncomfortable grin on his face. Nick sat across from him, sighing in exasperation.

"Marls...The fact I'm surrounded by quote-on-quote 'Hot Guys' is _not_ my fault." Marls hissed.

"This is so unfair! Do you know how many gay guys and straight girls and who knows what else would throw money at you to be in your position?! Your best friends hotter than hell, I've met your boss before at Sanctuary, and he is F-I-N-E in the _best way_ possible, and you've clarified the lickable Goth at your table is your _other_ best friend and your boss's boss! Boy, you're not even gay! Hell, you're not even single! Why, Lord, why?!" Marls started to fake cry pathetically at the ceiling.

"Marls-"

"NO! I don't want to hear it!" Marls covered his ears. "LalalalaNick'ssurrondedbysexyguysandhe'snotevengayorsingleLalalala"

"Oy..."

"LalalaAndhedoesn'tevenknowitLalalala."

"OY!"

"LalalaAndhe'sprobablyneverevenkissedaguyLalala!"

"Of course not, I have a girlfriend!"

Caleb looked at the front door, debating whether he should just run for it. Marls jumped him.

"Oh, no sweetheart! You're not escaping my claws!"

 _GAH! Nick, you sonavah! I blame you for this!_ _  
_

 _Why is it always my fault?  
_

 _Because it always is!  
_

 _Cruel._

"Marls," Ash started, trying to save Caleb from the clutches of a very irate teenager, "You don't have to worry. You'll find a handsome and loyal man you won't have to share with anyone." Marls lower lip puckered out.

"Thanks, but I doubt it..." Marls looked at his watch. "Oh, shoot! Thanks for the help, Nick! See you hotties later!" Marls gave the three of them a flirtatious wink and zoomed out the door.

"...What just happened?" Caleb asked, straightening his clothes. Nick sighed.

"Marls came over to double check the time change to our Band practices, but had lost my phone number. He knew where I lived, so he dropped by instead. Met Ash. Then went on a rant about how the universe was conspiring against him."

"He needs to get laid."

"Is that your answer to everything?"

"No, but it is in _this_ case."

 **28\. The most recent Group Project assignment our idiot English teacher decided to assign. It has _nothing_ to do with English. Writing an essay about the experience none withstanding...**

"And so, in light of the rumors about a senior -Rachel- having a child, we, the school faculty, want our students to know the difficulties of raising a child. This program was optional for us to implement in our classes, but I have decided you young, ignorant children who have little to no ability of taking care of a child should be given a reality check on the difficulties of parenthood. We'll draw partners, jobs, and salary randomly from a hat. You will then create a birth certificate with your project partner. Later, there will be options of..."

The teacher instinctively curled her lip. " _Divorce_ and marriage if you find a viable reason your partner should no longer be a 'parent'. The court will be our classroom. The parent who fails in their duties will be dropped two letter grades from their final on this project and pay a portion of their 'salary' as 'child support.' I will be handing out a packet with a list of rules with more detailed explanations and due dates for parts of the project. As this is an English assignment, I'm expecting a ten-page essay on your experience during this program after we've concluded..."

Caleb and Nick both scowled at the teacher.

 _Is she serious? First she calls Rachel being pregnant 'a rumor', then the teachers have to further shame the girl by forcing the rest of us into this program? This is BS!_

Caleb nodded at Nick's anger. It would make sense for the Cajun to be offended on the Rachel's behalf- Cherise had been put through a similar hell.

 _Brynna will probably do something about it with her Anti-Bully Brigade. Otherwise, I think we should focus on surviving the next few weeks._

The teacher began pulling names out of a bowl-shaped black hat giving disgruntled sound as she realized some of the pairings wouldn't be catholic-orthodox *****.

"Kody with Brynna"

The girls grinned at each other and gave each other air high-fives, even though Kody was disappointed with not having Nick as a partner.

"LaShonda with Madaug..."

A groan could be heard in the back of the classroom. Everyone laughed; Madaugs' face turned a brilliant shade of red.

"Hey! That's rude!"

"You know I mean it in the nicest way possible, Madaug."

"Suuure."

The teacher ignored them.

"Stone with Nick."

The laughter in the classroom died instantly.

"Caleb and Mason."

 ** _NOOO!_**

The room's temperature dropped 30 degrees as Caleb chuckled darkly, and Nick raised his hand in disgust and anger.

"I demand a re-take or Divorce. Immediately." The teacher narrowed her eyes at him.

"I don't take orders from you, Mr. _Gah-ti-ea_ , and you're not allowed to divorce your project partner until you're been given a reason to. Now, moving on..."

"You want reasons?! Fine, let's start with-"

 **"** Do you want a detention, Mr. Gah-ti-ea? In our program, a detention counts as a 'prison sentence' and you bequeath custody of your 'child' to your project partner. And you'll drop three grades- an effective D, if you manage to meet _the rest_ of the project requirements."

 **29\. Trying to convince our teacher that Divorce is the _only_ _option_.**

"I already told you. You need to give me a viable reason to drop two students- one of which happens to be the son of a very wealthy patron to this school- down to an automatic C. That is, if they do everything else on their project correctly...And, given the amount of marks both of you have sustained on your school record, I'd believe _them_ over _you._ The rules of this program must be obeyed."

Caleb growled.

"Did you just growl at me, Mr. Malphas?"

"No. I was clearing my throat. Look, we've been on projects before with these kids, and neither of them have ever put much effort into their assignments-"

Except for when they were paired up with either Nick or Caleb. Then they became paranoid and refused to let them have any say, which normally causes the overall grade to plummet from the wolves' numerous screw-ups.

Like Chemistry and the exploding alcohol; but thankfully _that_ particular disaster was blamed on a random fluke and no one received a poor grade.

The teacher waved her hand in dismissal at Caleb's accusation.

"That's false. Both students have straight A's." Nick clenched and unclenched his fists out of the sight of the teacher.

"That would be because _everyone else_ picks up the slack-"

The teacher refused to listen. Nothing they did could convince her of the nightmare she had unknowingly unleashed.

 _That's it. We're doomed._ ******

 **Authors Note:**

 **Don't worry, I will have funnier and better chapters in the future! I shall work harder! Oh, and writing Dagon's POV of the Halloween party sounds like a plan! Let me get on that...  
**

 **Please review! -RS**

 **P.S And check my horrid spelling...Look, this is what's going to happen: I'm going to post this chapter, I'll come back to re-read it, and I'll find a bazillion mistakes I didn't catch...Oh, wells. Story of my life.**

 ***Since their school is private, I'm going to take liberties and say most of the teachers there are Catholic. Not that there aren't any Private schools with non-Catholic backgrounds, but it just seems to fit in with how these teachers act towards Nick and in general. Really sorry if that offends anybody.**

 **** If this actually happened to them, there would be Hell to pay. I'm not even sure why I thought of it, other than the fact I think Nick would make a great parent, and this project would prove/show that. Maybe. Might elaborate into a longer story if people like the idea. In fact, I might write that story regardless.  
**

 **Have a good day!  
**


	11. Dagon's Scramble

**Author's Note:**

 **Done from a suggestion/request! Thanks! Sorry if it's not exactly as you imagined!  
**

 **Before you read, I'm not sure if Maxis has been mentioned, but Maxis = Were-Dragon in the attic. Again, Not sure if he's been seen in CON yet, but he does exist in that world. Just know there is a canon reason from Mrs. Kenyon's most recent DH book about why Dagon and Maxis _probably_ shouldn't be in the same room together. At the same time.  
**

 **Cupid was mentioned in the first book, but to clarify, him and his wife, Psyche, are regulars to the Sanctuary Bar.**

 **Regardless, thanks to everyone who's been reviewing and still reading this story! AND THE IDEAS. THANK-YOU FOR THE IDEAS! I need to start a list on what to write first...Bwahaha. -RS**

 **MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING! AND SHE ROCKS!**

 **From the Halloween Party:**

 ***Bonus Story***

 **Dagon's Scramble.**

Dagon shielded his powers as Aimee looked towards him, a frown marring her beautiful features as the rest of the Usumgallu piled into Sanctuary for the Halloween Party.

Most of the occupants wouldn't be old enough to recognize him, so he should be safe-

He felt a wave of power from the attic.

 _Ah, Damn._

Maxis still lived?

Geez, he had been held for thousands of years, but the bloody Were-Dragon was alive and kicking...Dagon make a note to avoid him. Not that he couldn't beat the dragon to a pulp, but with his new _Sarru_ title and the Malachai's reaction to when he _last_ went after one of his family members...

Best not to go there. Even if Sanctuary was adopted family, he doubted the Malachai would see the difference. He immediately shielded his powers to prevent a ruckus- there was a time an place to be intimidating. This wasn't it.

Inside the building, Dagon folded himself into the wall, doing his best to focus on the food. Some of the Weres- especially the one with a Dark-Hunter mark and three matching doppelgangers- stared at him with frowns.

 _Avoid them._ Nick had been clear the DH marked ones were off-limits.

There was a Were-Panther and Were-Hawk next to the music instruments taking a break, both of whom eyed him in suspicion.

 _Avoid them._ Too much trouble to deal with.

There was another Were-Hawk that glanced at him in curiosity, wearing a label that said 'Dr. Carson'.

 _Avoid him._ As a sorcerer and God of magic, he knew doctors were nosy to a fault. Bad idea to get close to one.

That's when he sensed another presence-

 _Acheron?_

What the hell was the Atlantean doing here?

 _Nick, you bastard, there was a few things you failed to mention!_

And did he just sense Cupid and Psyche flash into the third floor of this building?

 _Avoid. That **entire** group._

By the gods, what was this place? A cosmic welcoming mat for all things supernatural?

Dagon turned around, intending to flash out of this nightmare, but something latched onto his arm.

The female Charonte.

"Let. Me. Go. I'm in the process of leaving." Simi frowned.

"But youse just gots here! You can't leave! And you needs a costume...Oh, I know!" Simi waved her hands around, and suddenly Dagon was wearing cat ears with a little witch's hat on top.

We are not going to discuss the painted whiskers or carrot nose.

"See, since youse a sorcerer and there needs to be another cat to match Mr. Fluffy Boots, this works! YEA! OOO, Cake!" Simi dragged him towards the Atlantean, who was having a small chat with the DH marked Were-Bear, a Ghost cake in his hands.

 _NOPE._

There were some things he didn't want to deal with tonight. He shrugged Simi off and made his way towards the stairs, where Cupid and Psyche had started to make their way down.

 _Damn it!_

He switched directions, only to bump head-long into a Were-Tigard holding a tray of cupcakes made to look like a single Jack-O-Lantern.

The Tigard stiffened; Dagon ignored him as thousands of genetic possibilities sprung into his head . A Tigard was incredibly rare, seeing as most of his experiments died within hours if not seconds. Even then, his experiments were centered around crossing the Apollites with animals, but what if-

The Tigard bared his teeth, moving around Dagon to set the cupcakes on a table, cutting off his scientific monologue.

 _Who did the cat think he was?!_

Dagon went to demand an apology, but decided to refrain as Cupid and Psyche neared him. He double-checked his powers were shielded- but even then, Cupid stopped and looked around, trying to pinpoint the shift of power he felt. A tingle crawled up his spine.

 _I know this vibe..._

"Love? Is there something wrong?" Psyche asked. Cupid looked at where Dagon used to stand.

"I...No. Let's go get a beer!"

The ancient god relaxed once he manged to avoid detection, before focusing at the new obstacle in front of him. One of the Were-Bear doppelgangers with a fierce scowl attempting to stare him down.

 _Tch._ Like that would work on him. His father was Noir, for Hells' sake.

"Do you need something?" The Were-Bear gave him a scowl.

"Who are you? The Bar is closed to outside Clientele. Family Only." _Tch._ Annoying. Like he would willingly be here if he hadn't been dragged back in.

"I was invited in."

"By?"

"Nick."

The bear glared at him, not believing a word he said. Which was odd, seeing as the Were-Hunters should be able to scent a truth from a lie.

Guess the bear was just _that_ disagreeable.

Aimee saved him by walking up and slapping the bear on the shoulder.

"Remi, Go find someone else to get pissy at! He came in with Nick. He's clear." Dagon breathed a sigh of relief, but then Aimee's face lit up in surprise-

"Maxis! You actually came down to socialize-" Dagon didn't hear the rest as he was busy erasing both Were's of their memory of meeting him and simultaneously flashing away.

Some days, it was good to be a God.

Now up on the third floor, he slowly made his way back down to the bar, intending for the three Were-Hunters to have evacuated the staircase. They had.

"Dagon? Are you okay?" Nick walked up with Kody, fake red horns on his head with a Party Hat that had an image of a bat. Kody wore various plastic beads.

Gah, a Malachai with a party hat? What was the world coming to?

"Not exactly- Oh shit." Maxis and Remi were looking around a couple of yards away, with Remi gesturing a little angrily.

 _Damn. Did my mind-wipe not work on them?_

They were joined by Ash, who started looking around as well.

"Dagon? What's wrong?" Nick gave him a concerned frown.

Good Gods, that was weird. Last thing he ever expected was concern from the spawn of ultimate evil.

"Aren't you trying to avoid Ash?"

"Yeah, but why-" Nick looked over his shoulder at the Atlantean making through way through the crowd for them.

"Oh, Hello, that's not good!" Nick grabbed him by the arm and they bolted, leaving Kody to chuckle at their predicament.

"Hey!" yelled Remi showing up behind them, cutting Ash's view of them off.

Then some outrageous music started to play that made Dagon want to cover his ears...something about a dead man's party.

"What on earth is with the music of this century?"

"Hey, Oingo Boingo is traditional Halloween music!"

"Define 'Traditional'."

"Just shut and run!" Dagon stopped as a thought occurred to him.

"Why are we running? I'm a god." Nick shoved him from behind.

"Because Remi's scarier than Ash when he's pissed, that why! _Run, you fool_!"

They spent the next ten minutes dodging Remi, ducking behind Were's, avoiding eye contact, and stealing slices of Cake.

Remi was nearly on top of them when Aimee took to the microphone.

"Now, we're going to have a pinata brought out, so everyone who wants candy, get over here to bat! And yeah, we re-enforced it, so you won't be able to destroy it on the first strike-"

Dagon knew Nick was lost to him; the stars that appeared in demon's eyes were proof enough.

Nick abandoned their rabid chase of avoiding detection and instead went straight for the candy.

 _Traitor!_

However, Nick got his comeuppance when Simi saw him going for the Pinata and tackled him.

"Damnit, Nick! Wait until I'm inebriated to start a brawl!" Caleb yelled that from somewhere near the bar.

"You can't get drunk!"

 _"No Shit!_ What do you _think_ that means?!" _  
_

At the very least, it distracted Remi from hunting Dagon down. The irritable Were-Bear switched gears to keep Nick and Simi from duking it out.

Finally having a breather, he sat down next to Xev and Aeron, both of whom needed a break as well.

"Xev, why do you have-"

The cat glared at him with the wrath of thousand torturous deaths.

 _"Do. Not. Ask."_ Aeron- still in Tinker Bell form- piped in.

"Me thinks it is a woman's kilt. Although I've never seen a kilt that fluffy and pink. Kody calls it a tutu; One of the bear cubs wanted to dress 'Mr. Fluffy Boots' up as a Mrs. Puss and Boots, and _Boyo_ couldn't stop her." Xev glared at him.

 _"You see that Pinata? Go trade places with it."_

Aeron gasped.

"But I'm just a wee little one!" Xev crouched as if to pounce on him in cat form.

 _"Oh, I think we can overlook a few minor details."_ He jumped, and Aeron darted to the ceiling, his legs nearly snagged by Xev's claws.

 _"Now, now, just flutter a little lower..."_ Xev's tail swished back in forth, eyeing his prey with expert precision.

"Uh, what are you two doing?" Nashira came back with drinks, decked out with an odd tiara and strange white costume.

Xev and Aeron ignored her in favor of their silent battle.

"They're now in the process of fighting. My money's on Xev."

"Ten on Aeron."

"What are your wearing?" Asked Dagon, eyeing her extremely odd outfit.

"No idea. Something about Moons and Sailors- was not paying attention to Simi."

Aeron flew down a little two low, and Xev pounced, dragging them both off the ends of the table. They raced away through the throngs on people, most who...questioned their existence.

"I thought Marvin was the only non-Were animal at Sanctuary!"

"Was that a fairy?"

"Didn't you see him earlier? He's a riot."

Dagon let loose a sigh of exasperation. _This_ was the almighty Usumgallu who instilled fear in the hearts and minds of every God, Demon, and lesser being on Earth?

They acted like children...which didn't say much for the future of humanity.

Well, that alone was a rather terrifying prospect, so maybe they were doing their job after all.

"There you are..." Dagon looked over his shoulder at the Remi, his arms crossed and mood foul.

 _"Who. Are. You."_

"If you wanted my number, you just have to ask politely."

Remi went from annoyed to murderous rage.

 _...Alright, no more spending quality time with the Malachai or Aeron._

They were corroding his higher reasoning skills.

"When do we leave?" Dagon asked Nashira, slowly standing up.

"In an hour or two." Dagon nodded slowly. Remi braced himself for a fight.

The Ancient Akkadian God turned and bolted.

 ** _"Get back here!"_**

And thus, the rest of the night progressed as you would guess.

 **THE END!**

 **Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this! And hopefully I will update soon! Please Review! -RS**


	12. Lessons In The Modern World

**Author's Note: Hey, guys! I know it's been a really long time...and I'm really sorry. And my next bit of news won't make you happy, either. Don't worry, I'm still going to write chapters for this story, but there's going to be a upcoming period where I won't be near a computer for four months, so I won't be able to upload anything. Or check my email, or go on Facebook, or do any of that...so basically, my goal is to upload as many chapters as possible before I leave, which won't be many. But I am NOT dropping this story; I like it too much. Oh, and thanks to everyone who gave me chapter ideas! I have one in here!  
**

 **And I know I'm not the only one dying for the next book _Invision_...April, hurry up already. By the way, I posted this in the review section, but if you didn't see my comment, I'll post it here:**

To snowcatangle19: Holy shit, you're right. Damn. Completely spaced that detail. I had the dialogue and scene in my head, and didn't bother to check the facts since I always saw his wings in my mind as scaled, not feathered. Oops...Forgive me? From now on, I'll make a point to remember that. Just disregard any images to the contrary.

Oh, and to Stormystory who pointed out Nick goes to a Private school, not public. I finally realized it was probably in response to Madaug's comment about the food in public schools...yeah, I knew that when I wrote the line, but didn't want to change it because I liked how it sounded and seriously hoped no one would catch on. I've been foiled. :D

 **So, to everyone who reviewed: THANK-YOU, To everyone who reads this story, THANK-YOU! (Did you know I have over 3,000 veiws? For me, that's a lot, and makes me super happy.)**

 **Disclaimer: MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING IN CON, DH, THE LEAGUE, AND ANYTHING I MISSED! SHE ROCKS!**

 **00000000**

 **30\. Nick's 'Crash Course in the Modern World' class. Did I need to be there? No. Was I? Yes. Did I want to be? No. Did Nick say I was going to be there, and therefore, had to show up? Unfortunately.**

 **Lesson One:**

 **The Internet**

"Alright, so Lesson One in ' _Crash Course In The Modern World by Nicholas Gautier!'_ will be learning about the latest technology created by humans, how to use it, and how magic can screw it all up! Mainly, we're talking about the Internet, but we'll go over a few other basics as well. Ask whatever questions you need, and I'll do my best not to laugh at you." Nick announced, sitting in the back of Bubba's shop where the man had made room for Nick's mini computer class.

Caleb chuckled.

"Yeah, but I have no restraint, so make peace with that now."

"Well, that's wonderfully considerate of you." muttered Dagon.

Xev, Aeron, and Nashira sat in front of their own large monitors ***** , eyeing them in curiosity. Nashira raised her hand.

"You do realize we can receive most of this worlds' information with our powers?" Nick 'tched' in annoyance.

"Y-e-e-s, but as we've learned with Xev, that knowledge doesn't come to you immediately, and sometimes smalls things are left out- like how to turn on the television."

Xev growled at the reminder. Nick ignored him.

"Another question!"

Xev raised the mouse that was connected to the computer via cable.

"'Mouse'? Seriously?"

Nick sighed.

"Now Xev, we all know how badly you want to chase it, but don't. Really would rather we not get kicked out of Bubba's store. Besides, 'mouse' is better than 'computer clicker' or 'red-ball-thing'."

Aeron lifted up another mouse, that had a red ball with black dots inserted in the center ******.

"So this is also a-" Aeron flipped it over, freezing as the red glass ball fell out of its hold and bounced on the tile floor.

Silence reigned.

"Aye...Ah. I'll fix it."

"Well...as long as it's not chipped, it should work...maybe."

"So what exactly is the internet?" asked Nashira flicking her fingers at the computer screen. Caleb took the initiative in answering.

"Basically the equivalent of a Grimoire with pictures sans the ability to foresee the future. It contains a large amount of information; but the biggest difference between a Grimoire and the internet is the ability to communicate _through_ it. You can send and receive messages, and if someone's posted personal information, check their status or blog." Dagon scowled.

"Who'd be stupid enough to hand out their personal information?" Nick scratched the back of his head.

"A lot...? Tons of people have blogs, and stuff...and besides phones, it's basically the number one means of communication. Knowing how to use a computer is becoming mandatory to function in the human world. So, if that's it for questions, We'll start you with the basics!"

 _ **-An hour later-**_

"Why is this computer running so feckin' slow?!" (The cry of every human in existence.)

"You have too many tabs opened!" Nick pointed out, exasperated. Computers really did insult the intelligence of every living being out there.

"What are tabs- Oh, hey! Porn!"

"Oh, Gods, Aeron, could you not look up that crap while I'm in the room?" Nashira scowled, surfing MySpace and Yahoo!.

 **00000**

Xev stared at the strange multi-colored logo that reminded him of his hair.

 _'Google'...What on earth is a 'Google'...?_

Xev politely raised his hand.

"Nick, this is what you call a search engine?"

Nick -currently busy trying to keep Dagon from inciting a cyber war with the FBI after Dagon managed to crack into their database (Dagon and Nashira were both progressing rather fast in terms of computer skills.)- looked over at Xev.

"Yeah. Just type whatever in, and you can either read articles about the word, see pictures of the word, or even watch videos. And- oh, God, Dagon please don't tell me that you didn't just..." Dagon shrugged.

"I was curious about they're reaction to my snooping. Call it a sorcerer's urge."

"Well, your _'urge'_ is going to land me in prison! Hey, Mark, could you get Bubba in here? I think Dagon just declared war on the CIA." Mark choked on his cheese puffs.

"Oh, God, this is _not_ happening again. Bubba nearly fired me last time!" Mark ran out of the room.

 **000000**

Xev slowly brushed his hand over the buttons on the keyboard, amazed at how far humanity had come. Without magic, they had certainly made up for it in their genius and creativity. Honestly, it was more akin to a mirror like contraption that showed you anything you wanted to look for. He debated on what first to type. _Hmm..._

 **0000000**

Nashira sifted through the fonts of information. Caleb had been wrong; the Internet was like a more accessible, poorly copied version of the Ether for humans. No matter what word she typed in, she always received a result...except for those pesky moments where it said 'Did you mean-' or, 'we found no results for-' which were fairly annoying. Why would she deal with this when she already had the Ether?

Just for the hell of it, she started typing in random words until-

"Nick...I think I just broke the computer." Nick rushed over to her chair out of breath, leaving The Triple B duo (Mark & Bubba) to do their work- Namely, furiously trying to defuse the online battle of Dagon VS the FBI & CIA...and PETA who had decided to join the fight from some erroneous comment made about the Were-Hunters.

"What's the problem, Nashira?"

"I don't know, I just typed in the word 'askew' and now the page is all off." Nick sighed.

"You didn't break the page, Google's just laughing at you. And Xev...What's with all the beignets?" Nashira looked over at Xev's computer, and sure enough, there were images of beignets all over.

"You mentioned them earlier...I think I'm hungry."

 _You think?_ Nick made a mental note to take them to Cafe du Monde later. However, he was distracted from that thought as a foul smell wafted through the room.

"What's that smell?"

Aeron lifted his head from the Celtic History page he had been reading.

"Aye, it's smells like-"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Bubba and Mark ducked as something exploded, smoke billowing out of the computers on the floor *******.

Caleb poked his head in, who had opted to man the register out front instead of giving his brain of headache trying to teach immortals the wonders of the internet.

"Just out of curiosity…" Caleb moved his head to the side as a piece of malware came flying at his cranium. "...How many times are y'all gonna blow up the merchandise?"

"Shut it, Malphas!" While Bubba went on rant, Mark scolded Dagon for causing this mess, and Nick cracked his knuckles as he realized what caused the explosion. Nick tugged Dagon away from Mark's rant.

"Dagon. You tried to send your powers through the computer, didn't you?" Dagon shrugged and examined his nails.

"Lesson learned. Not a good idea."

 **Lesson 2:**

 **The Microwave**

"I thought I made it clear I didn't want Xev in my house." Caleb growled out, glaring at the group that formed a semicircle around his Microwave.

After Dagon's foray into the Cyber World (Which made him instantly famous to hackers world-wide) Bubba had no choice but to ask the Usumgallu to vacate the premises for a bit while he and Mark finished nullifying the situation. As such, lesson #2 was taking place in Caleb's Mansion. ('Cause it ain't a house. Nope.)

"Yeees…" Nick stretched out. "But if you're willing to consent with dealing with him here for just a few, wee little minutes, I'll give you THIS as your reward!"

Caleb crossed his eyes, staring at the package in front of his face.

"I don't want your ugly ass Peeps, Nick."

"Oh, come on! The marshmallowy goodness! The pure sugar that begs you for a heart attack! It'd make Attila the Hun squeal from the cuteness overload! How can you deny it?!"

"That is _not_ going in my microwave, Nick."

Nick narrowed his eyes.

Caleb folded his arms.

 **000000000000**

 _'Screw this shit.'_

Was Caleb's initial thought as the Usumgallu huddled around the microwave, watching as the two peeps inside made their sacrificial loops.

"It's expanding." Stated Nashira.

Xev eyed the yellow mass of expanding sugar, slightly confused.

"Is that supposed to happen...? Is this food even edible?"

Aeron and Dagon looked around the kitchen. _What else can be thrown in…?_

 **000000000000**

Simi and Kody walked into a bar- oh, my bad, walked into Caleb's newly destroyed kitchen with the microwave now a hunk of blackened metal and melted plastic.

"We heard an explosion from the sidewalk, what happened?" Asked Kody, scanning the area.

She and Simi were supposed to meet the crew at Bubba's so they could all go shopping; after the Grocery Store fiasco, Nick made it a point to teach the Gods about how to interact with the modern populace. Except the group hadn't been waiting at Bubba's; a flight of police cars were, and Mark had pointed them in the direction of Caleb's house while ushering them around the side of the Triple B building. What on Earth had transpired?

No one attempted to alleviate her questions.

Nick had his hands full scolding the War Gods in the living room for the second explosion within a 24 hour period, Nashira was poking the demented peeps with a spork and Xev was in his cat form in the corner, paws over his ears, trying to find his Zen.

Caleb was counting to ten.

Simi flounced over and poked the Microwave with the tip of her BBQ sauce.

"Charred very nicely...but metal and plastic don't do so good in the Simi's stomach. Akri says it gives me indigestion, and the Simi don't really like it. Not good for eats. Sooo, what'cha doing?" Simi looked at Caleb.

He seemed to be muttering obscenities under his breath.

 _I will not lose my calm. I was General of the damn Eperon, and exploding computers and microwaves and Fae tricks are **nothing.** Nope. I just snap my fingers and it's like nothing ever happened…_

He paused.

"Which is the damn problem! Who in Gods name puts cleaning chemicals in the fucking microwave? This is a kitchen, not a chemistry lab!" _Am I seriously supposed to pretend that didn't just happen?  
_

 _...Looks like it._

Caleb took a deep breath and snapped his fingers, putting the kitchen back together. _Mental Note: Never put Stone, Dagon, and Aeron in the same room with Mark. Ever. With the track record of the combined four, New Orleans might not make it to Mardi Gras._

Kody patted him on the shoulder.

"I don't want your pity, Kody."

"We're going shopping next." Caleb glanced at the ceiling. Could his day get any worse?

 _That's it. I've been consigned to Hell._

 **000000000000**

 **Author's Note:**

 *** So, since The Chronicles of Nick actually takes place during the late 90's early 2000's, I'm going to guess the computers they had were mostly large Dinosaur monitors we all know and love. (Or at least, that's what I remember. Sorry if that isn't accurate. I'm trying to stay true to the series, but as we learned with Nick's wings, I don't always achieve that.)**

 **** Okay, am I the only one who had this kind of mouse? It was fun as all heck; you didn't move the mouse, but instead the glass red ball inside. If you chipped the black dots on the red ball, I think it was supposed to stop working...But I dropped it numerous times on accident and it never really stopped working, and I never found out where the breaking point was. But I think you had to clean it every so often so that it would work smoothly, otherwise the connection would be interupted. Again, that's fromwhat I remember.**

 ***** Bubba and Mark: Explosions abound with them. By the way, I didn't know this as a kid, but apparently, there's a difference between a computer and a monitor. The monitor is your screen, and the computer is normally on the floor next to you. As a kid, I thought the monitor was the computer and the computer was...I dunno, useless junk that stayed on the floor? But yeah, I know better now.**

 **READ AND REVIEW! Please? Have a good day, and point out any and all spelling mistakes! -RS**


	13. Nick's Lament

**Author's Note: I wanted to do a Christmas story and started writing it, but then this came...I couldn't help it. It was against my will…**

 **BTW: To everyone who gave me chapter ideas, Thank you again so very much! I have some of the ideas written out already...I just need to be satisfied with them before posting. And that might take awhile. -RS**

 **P.S That moment you find a horrendous grammer error...Damn. It. All.**

 **P.S.S That moment you're alerted of said spelling error, but can't fix it in a timely manner because you don't have access to a computer. Regardless, Thank-you Danny.**

 **MRS. KENYON OWNS EVERYTHING. AND IT ROCKS BECAUSE SHE OWNS IT SO DEAL!**

 **0000000000**

 **Dear Caleb's Journal,**

 **So while I was looking for a pen in Caleb's room, I found this on top of the side table- seriously, Cay, if you're trying to hide this, you need a waaay better place for it. Like a bat cave, or something. Anyway, since Caleb is having so much fun ranting about his life and crap, I'll just do my part and help out!**

 **1\. Dealing with Xev's shit.**

"Nicholas Ambrosius Gautier! Living room, now!" Nick scowled and put aside his homework. What on Earth had he done to make his mother screech like that?

His mother tapped her foot on the floor, evidently frustrated and trying to curb her irritation. Nick made a mental check list of what he could have done to irritate her.

Trash, Dishes, Sweeping, Vacuuming, cleaning his room-okay, his room wasn't _entirely_ clean, but you could partially see the floor which counted-

"I told you, that when you asked permission for a cat, you would be in charge of feeding, brushing, and looking after him. Did you, or did you not promise that?" Nick looked around and found Xev on the couch on the arm chair, innocently cleaning his face with his paws. _Okaay…_

"Yes, I did."

"Then, what. Is. That?" She pointed to the corner at the plastic litter box Nick had bought to mollify his mother's need to properly take care of their 'cat'.

Which currently housed three day's worth of feces and urine.

Mortified, Nick turned to look between Xev and his mother.

 _XEV! What the fucking Hell!_

 _You ate my Bacon._

 _You eat mine all the freakin' time!_

Xev hissed at him.

 _You ate the Last. Slice._

 _Are you- You damn- I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS!_

Nick couldn't tell what he wanted to do more- throw Xev into Kyrian's pool or let Caleb skin him.

"Nick, DO NOT glare at the cat for doing something that is completely natural! You can't blame him for this, and you're the one who promised to clean up after him! Now, what are you going to do?" Cherise gave her the son the You-Know-What-To-Say-So-Don't-Keep-Me-Waiting-Look.

He gritted his teeth. Nick couldn't believe he was about to do this.

"I'll clean it up." Then, Cherise pointed to Xev.

"Now, apologize to Mr. Fuzzy Boots for not cleaning out his litter box earlier. You know cats prefer clean boxes to dirty ones." Oh, that was just uncalled for!

Xev looked away in attempt not to smirk. Nick choked on the apology. He wasn't going to take this without a fight...there was no way in _hell._

"I'm sorry _MR. FUZZY BOOTS_ has irritable bowel syndrome. I cleaned it up earlier this morning. Maybe we need to take him to the vet? You know, Carson's good with animals. Speaking of which, I don't think we ever neutered him..."

Xev's mouth opened, aghast.

 _You did not just go there._

Nick hid his grin.

 _HA! Take that, you furry ball of vindictiveness!_

Cherise looked at Xev thoughtfully.

"Hmm...if he's sick, then we really should take him to the vet...okay, I'll make an appointment with Carson. But clean the litter box; it really stinks."

Xev narrowed his eyes.

 _This means war, Gautier. I hope you're ready._

 _Bring it on, Pussy Boots!_ _ *****_

 ***Still, cleaning that box was SO not fun. And since he now does it whenever he's annoyed or pissed...Stupid passive aggressive shit.**

 **-Nicholas Gautier.**

 **P.S You know, this is actually kind of nice. I think I may do this again. Thanks Cay!**

 **Dear Nick,**

 **LEAVE MY JOURNAL THE HELL ALONE.**

 **-Caleb Malphas.**

 **P.S. Don't thank me for this, you are not welcome.**

 **000000000000**

 **Author's Note: Small chapter, Sorry! Read & Review, at your leisure! Point out spelling mistakes! See-ya later! -RS  
**


	14. Lessons In The Modern World Part 2

**Author's Note: Hey, guys! I owe y'all a chapter, since I posted a new story (Musings of a Malachai) instead of posting a new chapter here.  
**

 **Bit 'o News: I'm actually going to be posting another story (Other than Musings of a Malachai) soon, mostly because I shared an idea with my brother and he is now bound and determined to have it written. He has this really interesting way off subtly telling me to hurry the fuck up. Apparently, it's a talent. (Although it's pretty funny, as if he thinks I don't know what he's doing...Scratch that, I'm pretty sure he knows I know and he doesn't care.) Ah, whatever. It'll all work out. Maybe.  
**

 **Mrs. Kenyon owns CON and everything that comes with it! Which is how we all like it!**

 **Enjoy! -RS  
**

 **P.S Like clockwork. I post, and _then_ I find the spelling error.**

 **'Nick's Crash Course In The Modern World...Part 2."**

 **0000000**

 **31\. Three words: Simi. Shopping. Cafe Du Monde. (Count and die.)  
**

 **-At the Cafe-**

"I'm going home."

"No, you're not." Kody reminded Caleb, tapping her imaginary watch.

He may be on the clock (His shift was never-ending), but as he stated regularly, Nick didn't pay him enough.

Caleb curled his lip as he scanned the open area of Cafe Du Monde. Simi and Nick were opposite each other, a plate piled high with beignets laying between them like a sacrificial lamb, glaring at each other. Xev was in his cat form next to the plate, taking place as the Judge.

Nick's hands were primed and ready to start shoveling at the timer beep.

Simi wore her lobster bib and held her BBQ bottle like a weapon.

Since these were the same morons (The rest were seated at tables behind him) who partially destroyed his kitchen (Cleaning powers or not) he wasn't in the mood to deal with any more of their shit.

And with no one bothering to point out who was picking up the tab, Caleb had a funny feeling he knew who'd be paying for this rodeo.

"Yeah, I'm out. Nick isn't about to die and I'm not needed for the rest of the lesson." Caleb decided, turning on his heel and stalking off. Kody grabbed him by the back of his red hoodie and forcibly made him sit his ass down in between Dagon and Nashira, who ate their powdered donuts with elegance and grace.

The timer dinged, and powder started flying.

A piece of slightly chewed donut landed on his cheek; whether it came from Simi or Nick he couldn't tell.

"Ugh! Gross!" he muttered, wiping it off.

Caleb could almost empathize with Grim's germophobia. A young waitress slided up to his table, her face dusted with a light pink blush as she nervously set a plate of beignets and a can of coke Nick or Kody must have ordered for him on the table.

He gave her a dashing grin and amped up his charm.

"Why, thank-you..." He glanced at her name tag "...Miss Darnell." The girl's face went beet red and spluttered a 'your welcome!' before rushing away.

Kody glared at him. It was the, 'Don't-You-Dare-Flirt-With-An-Innocent-Girl-If-You-Won't-Take-Her-Seriously' look.

"What? I'm not going to do anything! Besides, she's not my type. Cute, but personality wise...I couldn't even get past 'Thank-you'..." Caleb rolled his eyes at Kody and picked up the Coke, ignoring the beignets.

Aeron leaned back to check out their serving girl as she walked away. "I don't know, Malphas. She seems to be talking rather amicably with the other customers. Maybe you're just an asshole? And if her backside is any indication, she's more than just 'cute'."

Nashira gagged at the guy-talk but continued to munch on her snack.

"Or," Caleb drawled out, "She's a little intimidated by two large, overbearing oafs. One of which needs to tone down the 'Breath my air and die vibe'." He gave a pointed stare to Dagon, who sat ram-rod straight in his chair. "This is why you can't get laid." Dagon glared at him. As the large Arcadian God was still in mourning for the wife he'd lost, he had yet to take another woman to his bed.

Instead of treating him with awkwardly placed empathy and pity neither of them would be comfortable with, Caleb did what he does best. Treat him like normal, with an extra dose of sarcasm and brutal truth. And someday he'd get Dagon to join the dark-side, 'cause Caleb was sick of the morose-mopey-War God status. And besides, Caleb's night life was _fun._

Dagon's eyes narrowed on him. "Just because you go off gallivanting with whatever cocktail waitress comes your way does _not_ mean I have to join in your less-than-"

" _YOU THIEF!_ How dare youse steal from the Simi!" Everyone at Caleb's table turned to where Simi and Nick had decimated the large pile of Sugary heaven, and were now standing up and climbing over the fence that separated the Cafe from the rest of the traffic. It took an extra millisecond for Caleb to register the _'why'_ ;a middle school boy was running away from them as fast as he could through the traffic, BBQ bottle and cat in hand, aiming for a group of other pubescent boys down the street, where they waited for their friend with whistles and taunts.

'The Cat' being a very irritable Anceint God that was trying not to use his powers to flambe the irritating child and/or start a cat fight with sharp claws.*

Simi grabbed the nearest available weapon and started pelting the kid with beignets.

Nick looked back at her in shock.

" _Not the Beignets!_ Ah, dagnabit! You, there! With the face! HALT!" Nick jumped over the fence and started running towards the kids.

 **00000**

"...So, you see officer, this is not the cat you are looking for..." Nick explained while the group of middle school boys (Which was substantially smaller than earlier) were whining and claiming child abuse.

"...Does he have a leash?" the officer asked in that monotone I-Really-Don't-Want-To-Be-Here voice. Xev hissed from his place in Nick's arms, where the group had agreed would be the safest place for him in case someone called animal control. (Although Xev had just wanted to flash home.)

"Ugh...he's a cat..." Explained Nick, in case the Officer couldn't see the obvious problem with that. "And this cat don't do leashes." The officer rubbed his forehead as if a migraine was coming on.

"If it's your animal, than you need to take proper care of it. Which means a leash. Also, since you were caught throwing donuts at them-"

"That wasn't actually me-"

"-We're gonna have to bring you in to the station and check to see whether that cat of yours needs to be-" Caleb growled at the slow pace of the questioning and placed himself in front of the officer, snapping his fingers in the man's face. Thank God they were dragged off to the side and out of the immediate sight of the populace, or else this little trick wouldn't have worked.

"This was a routine patrol. Bunch of middle schoolers were causing a problem. Bothered some customers in the cafe." Caleb grabbed Nick's Hawaiian shirt and hauled him away. "Have a good day, Officer!"

"Hey!" Nick scowled. "Aren't you the one who keeps telling me not to use my powers for small stuff?"

"Because _you_ pull that shit when it's not needed. That was necessary. We can't have fuzzball here causing a riot and being put down, now, can we? Unless, of course, you _want_ to spend ungodly amounts of time in the station waiting for whether or not they're willing to attempt to put down a divine cat?" Nick scowled and backed down. Caleb turned his ire on Xev. "But seriously, did you _need_ to bite them?"

Xev bared his teeth.

 _"Did they_ need _to call me a pussy and pull my tail? No. Fair's fair."_

 **-Shopping-**

"So, you see's, this is how you gots to shop! First, you find the things you like..." Simi instructed the gods as she flounced throughout the store, picking up skirts, leggings, shirts, and anything that sparkled. Not her favorite place, (She preferred shops with lots of sparkles that she could munch on) but this was to teach the gods/seer normal human interactions. "And then, youse goes into a changing room to see if it fits, or you just walk in and flash them on to see if it looks good. See, thems changing rooms are handy, 'cause you can use your powers and no one knows! So, after that, we walks up to the line...actually, Simi don't like the line, so usually Akri just lets me skip ahead...and then we put all the stuffs on the counter..."

Simi pushed two carts laden with clothes to the cash register. The poor girl manning the station blinked at the carts in shock before speaking into a microphone, asking for someone to open up a second register. Simi continued her explanation, oblivious to the employee's plight. "...and then, you pull out your black plastic, and pay for everything! You just gotta swipe it here-" Simi pointed at the machine where the card would be swiped, "-and it gets paid! Any questions for Teacher Simi?" Xev raised his hand. Simi pointed at him with puffed cheeks.

"So...where is the money being stored? In the card?"

Nick cut in to explain before Simi could launch into a long and highly confusing explanation. "So, you have money, right? Gold, whatever?" Xev nodded, while Dagon and Aeron gave him their full attention...which wasn't often, and made Nick feel a bit more important than normal. "So, you store your money and gold at a bank. This card...just think of it like a key that can access all you money. It transfers the money in your account to the machine where your card swiped, and from there, it's given to the place you bought your stuff at. Get it?"

Dagon tapped his fingers on his arm. "Simply put, humanity has found a way to teleport their money without magic."

Nick blinked. "Uh...yeah. I guess you could say that. Sort of. 'Course, you always want to carry some cash on you, since some places only take cash." The gods nodded in understanding.

The Simi shooed them away from her. "Nows, you good peoples know the basics, so go have fun! Finds some good stuff!"

Dagon sighed at the uselessness of this. "Why buy anything when we can just conjure it?"

Aeron punched him on the arm. "Aye, but how can conjure something we don't know exists? At the very least, we can see what humanity has to offer."

"...Point taken."

 **-Toy Section-**

Xev walked next to Nick and Aeron in his human form, curiously looking at the toys. They were...odd. And colorful. He picked up a slinky that had been pulled from its box. "Why is this so..." he moved his hands up and down, watching as the slinky flowed back and forth, "...amusing?" Nick glanced at a Hot Wheels Car set while Aeron poked at the infant toys.

"You and everyone out there, Xev. Including my Dad." Xev gave him a stunned look. Nick put his hand over his heart. "No, I'm dead serious, man. He compared humans to slinkies once 'cause they're so much fun when you push them down the stairs."

"That does sound like the elder Malachai..." Xev heard an odd sound, almost like a music box in nature. He looked over at Aeron who now in the Classic toy section with them, who was turning the handle of a small red box-

"DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRAP!" Nick yelled.

Aeron jumped, using his powers to sense the danger. There wasn't any, so he continued to turn the handle, eyeing Nick in curiosity. "What are you-"

The joker exploded out from it's hiding place in the box, recorded laughter mingling with the haunting musical box notes.

Xev spazzed, a godbolt incinerating the box. He breathed heavily, now embarrassed from how he reacted over a simple toy.

Nick clapped him on the shoulder, his eyes haunted as if lost in distant, disturbing memories. "Don't. That... _thing_ was made by some sadistic bastard and has traumatized every child in America and beyond, and Lord knows why they keep manufacturing it. It's only purpose is to scare you shitless once anticipation reaches it's climax. I'm pretty sure that box is where horror movies are born."

Aeron slowly backed away from the shelf, as if any sudden movements would cause the rest of the toys from Satan's goody bag to start popping up where they weren't wanted. "And this be...a child's toy?"

Nick nodded solemnly.

- **Electronic section-**

Dagon raised a brow at the various electronics. Some were listed as televisions, but he did see a few computers. They looked slightly different than what the sounthern burly goth man had them learning on (Perhaps they were recent models?) but the basics seemed similar. There were also some electronic kids games- Gameboys?- but Nashira jumped up and grabbed him by the ear before he could get a better look and hauled him out of there without a second thought. And with their height difference of epic proportions, they were openly gaped at by the humans.

Nashira 'tched' at him. "No more electronics for awhile. Remember?"

Dagon scowled at the reminder of his 'groundation' that Nick had imposed on him for being a 'difficult child'. He swatted Nashira's hand and separated them. _Thousands of years old, and I'm being grounded by a infant._

Kody opened her mouth to comment on the two of them, but was cut off by a loud wail as Simi ran past their aisle. All the electronics starting doing funky things- the images on screen started to blur into rainbows and snow, and all the alarm clocks in the aisle over started ringing all at once.

"What the hell?!" Dagon asked, covering his ears. They saw Nick, Xev and Aeron exiting the Toy section a ways down, with Xev and Aeron looking oddly disturbed.

Simi skidded to a halt in front of Nick and Xev. "Theys finally scanned all my stuff, but my plastic won't work, and Akri not picking up his phone! I can't gets clothes without my plastic! Something about reaching a limit..."

Nick couldn't decide whether he should be looking at her in horror or amusement, so he settled for a slightly nervous grin. "Um. Simi. You have a black credit card, right?"

Simi nodded with vigor.

"They're...not supposed to have a limit on how much money you can spend." Dagon, Aeron, and Xev looked at each other in confusion. That had NOT been a part of their money lesson. Credit? What? Nashira seemed to nod as if she had some sort of understanding, but the others were left to fumble.

Kody patted their shoulders before explaining. "Simi really wanted to be in charge of teaching you guys how to shop, but there are a few things she doesn't really 'get'. This is one of them. We'll explain credit cards later."

"Or..." Nick continued, his face draining of blood. "...It has such a high limit no mortal man should be able to hit the roof, and you single-handedly shattered the glass dome..."

Simi continued to wail; loud enough for Caleb to hear her outside of the horrid store where he waited for everyone to come out, to flash to the men's restroom, and to stalk down the aisle to see what new hellmouth awaiteth.

Nick's eyes were glazed over at the amount of money Simi must spend on a regular basis; Kody was trying to snap him back to reality; Xev had his hands pressed firmly over his ears since the Alarm clocks had yet to be turned off; Aeron and Dagon just looked lost, while Nashira was trying to placate the distraught Charonte.

15 minutes. He had left them alone, for _15 minutes._

 _When will I learn?_

Caleb took a breath and prayed to whatever Deity whose guts he didn't hate for a modicum of patience.

"What, _exactly_ , is going on here?"

Simi turned to him with tears in her eyes. "Akri-Caleb, My plastic won't work!"

Caleb's eyebrow twitched. "Your...plastic?"

She showed him her Black American Express card. "The register lady said the Simi's hit her limit and can't buy anymore! And Akri's phone choose a really could time to not work! What's the Simi gonna do!" Simi gave him a look, that basically said: Fix this, or become the next thing I BBQ.

A beat of silence.

Caleb sighed as he realized he really would be picking up the tab...for basically everyone.

 **-Later That Night-**

Nick continued to stare off in the distance. "She has a Black American Express Card. A _Black. Card._ And she hit the limit. How is that possible? How is that _humane?_ How much money would that even take? What the hell does she _buy_? I thought I was used to this, but _damn..._ "

Kyrian stared at his Squire, who had been rambling along those lines for most of the evening in front of his laptop. Nick was getting his work done, so the general couldn't complain, but...he was a little worried about him. Kyrian shrugged. Oh well; it obviously had something to do with the outing he and his friends had earlier in the day. He left his squire to his muttering disbelief, and went to work.

 **00000000000**

 **Author's Note: Hope it wasn't too boring! Please Review if you can, I really love hearing from everyone! And if I have any spelling errors, tell me! Have an awesome day!**

 *** Yes, I understand no one sneaks up on Xev. But in his defense, he was little disgusted by Charonte and Malachai eating habits and therefore wasn't expecting a middle schooler (A non-magical entity) coming up from behind and snatching him. I also have too much fun playing with Cat Form Xev. Can you blame me? FYI, the kid was just doing it on a dare. In case you were wondering why that particular kid chose to be suicidal for a day. -RS  
**

 **P.S Simi won the Eating Contest.**

 **P.S.S By the way, just as a courtesy thing, I will respond via PM to a review if possible, not to freak anyone out, but just to say 'I'm super happy you reviewed' kind of thing. Similar to sending out a thank-you note after receiving a birthday present. I just realized I might have creeped people out by doing that...oops. Not my intention, I just like thanking people who reviewed! It makes me super happy, so...yeah. Sorry?**


	15. In Which Caleb Needs Therapy

**Another chapter! For those of you who have been waiting! Still here, I promise. Tried to make it longish. (I know, I'm sorry, it's been awhile.) Thanks for everyone who continues to read this story and who keep reviewing! And who check up on me to make sure I didn't die in a ditch...which would suck. Really bad. So, enjoy, and please review! And point out spelling mistakes! Because I always miss some, no matter what I do...-RS**

 **P.S SPOILER ALERTS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ INVISION! I'm talking to you, Bro. Finish reading the book so we can gossip already!**

 **Mrs. Kenyon _OWNS EVERYTHING._ INCLUDING INTENSITY, WHICH I NOW HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR TO READ.**

 **32\. Nick's crappy flying.  
**

Caleb was feeling pretty proud of himself, all things considering.

In the beginning, Nick's flying form was something to cringe at, but since they've started their aerial evasion maneuvers, he'd been quick to learn...on what not to do, at least.

"Damn it, C! That was a perfectly good pie you just wasted!"

"Well, if you _caught_ the pie instead of letting it hit you, this wouldn't be a problem."

"If you stuck with eggs and not the chocolatey mousse goodness, you wouldn't be on my kill list!"

"Fine. Dodge the next five rounds and we'll see about sparing the pies."

"You're on, Malphas!" Nick swung back around to the end of the dirt road they were practicing over. (After a few complaints of people's roofs being egged, they realized training would have to be moved a little outside the cities' limits.)

Kody sighed, sitting on a fence and watching this charade with bored eyes.

"I don't get it. The first few minutes were entertaining, but you've been at this for...hours." Caleb shrugged, conjuring a good, nicely formed Key Lime Pie before giving Nick the okay to start flying down the road.

"You could always join us!" Nick called, trying to catch the pie as it hurtled towards them. Somehow, their training had turned into a seriously long-winded game...

Nick missed, and half of the Key Lime pie joined his arm and the right side of his T-Shirt, competing for the Most Gaudy Stain prize. Kody's eyebrow twitched.

"No, I think I'm good."

Nick scoffed. "Ha! I can hear it now: _This is an exclusive, expensive sweater, Nick! No way am I letting some colorful, delicious food mar these exquisite clothes!_ Come'on, Kode! Live a little! Embrace the messiness of life!"

Caleb was torn between listening to Nick's little tirade and eyeing Kody's slowing hardening face, watching the narrowing of her eyes take place and the tilting of her chin in the way Aricles and Bathymaas were prone to do right before a major throw down.

"Just to let you know? I can't save you from your girlfriend." Caleb stated, throwing a couple of fire balls at Nick's confused face.

"What are you talking-HOLY $ #*%$!" Nick suddenly found himself shoved to the side, flailing about in midair. Kody soared above him, cackling, both hands laden with Nick's beloved pies. She winked at him.

"Change of plans, sweetheart."

Caleb leaned back and watched Nick get his ass handed to him via his woman.

Which may or may not have been recorded.

For posterity's sake.

 **33\. I thought the War God Trio was bad? They have nothing on the Drunken Trinity...  
**

It started with a phone call, as most things do.

From the Police Station.

"Hello...Officer Davis? What is- Aeron...Malphas? Yeah, sure, I have a, ah, cousin by that name- Vawn?...Sure. And Kaziel? Yeah, that would be because they're...fraternal triplets." Caleb tripped over one of the various pillows that littered his living room as he made his way towards the front door. Should he take his car, or just flash to the police station? The cops might want to see the punks actually step into his car so...better not to flash. The three morons could just be uncomfortably squished in the back of his car. "...Yup. Ah, no. They're from out of state...They...have...student visas. Yeah. From Ireland...And Scotland. They...um. It's Dual Citizenship."

Caleb switched directions, remembering Nick was currently in the middle of gaming, tugging on his hair to get the hell up. He would want to be present, and would whine if Caleb conveniently left him behind.

Nick scowled, but followed Caleb into the kitchen. Based off the last time Aeron and his posse had gone out, Caleb was going to need some serious caffeine.

At least last time the morons had enough courtesy to not get caught.

Seriously, if you're going to break the law and make the mundies throw a tantrum, the least they could do is clean up their mess. But did they? No. They call Caleb. Vortex opens and flesh eating piranhas fall out of the sky? Call Caleb. Nick is nick-napped for the fortieth time that week and has left the football field in a state of nuclear devastation? Call Caleb. Kody loses her sweater? Call Nick, then call Caleb, 'cause obviously he would know where the woman left it even though she's not his girl friend. Which he normally does, but that's beside the fucking point. Nick breaks a fingernail, has a headache, or sneezes?

 _1-800-Call Caleb!_

He opened the cupboard door where he keeps the cokes cans when he's too lazy and/or wants to feel normal for once, and came to a screeching halt.

All his Coca-Cola cans had been replaced.

All of them.

And in their stead, from top to bottom of each and every shelf, were packages of Welsh Cakes. Of every flavor of the rainbow.

"I'm sorry, Officer Davis. Could you repeat that last sentence? I was momentarily stunned." Caleb could see Nick retreating away from him in the corner of his eye, as if Caleb was suddenly an injured and feral tiger. "...Sir, they don't speak fluent English. It's Welsh...Their mother taught them. They-we- have family in Wales...It's complicated. Really complicated." He slammed the cupboard door closed.

Then opened the fridge door because he just had to know.

Bailey's Irish Creamer. About 15 bottles worth. Each one mostly empty. He turned around to find Nick in the corner with a spatula as a weapon and a pot lid as a shield. Caleb ignored the Cajun and left the kitchen, having a sneaking suspicion that if he checked the cabinets he might find canned haggis. These fuckers were doing it on purpose.

He went straight to the Wine Cellar, the only section of the house he had sealed off, taking his brother's warnings to heart and attempting to keep the three devils from raiding the good stuff.

He found the seal perfectly intact.

That meant one of two things.

Option A. The three Celtic morons wisely chose to get wasted outside of the confines of his house. A more risky option, but it would explain the Police station and would save Caleb the headache of finding his Wine Cellar in shambles. But Caleb was a pessimist, so there was always:

Option B. Those clever little sprites of mass destruction found a way to by-pass his wards, got wasted, _then_ chose to jump ship and terrorize their nearest neighbors who were willing to put up a fight since they couldn't go hop next door to go play with the Vikings. Unless they wanted to contact Wulf ***** and go on raids together, but Caleb doubted that.

Caleb tore the illusion away to find that they had, indeed, found a way past his wards without lighting the alcohol on fire or burning the house down. If he wasn't so pissed, he'd be impressed. The Wine Cellar had empty bottles of Smithwick's, Glenfiddich, and Jack Daniels strewn about, followed by Harp and Crown Royal...and Bud Light. A few more bottles of Irish creamer. There were a bunch of dolls in the middle of the floor that had been burned to a crisp, with hastily and sloppily drawn battle plans on the side of the wine barrels. Written in Silver Sharpie.

Apparently, they were sober enough to organize a plan of attack.

Arcade, Movies, Grocery Store with some asterisk about 'not on Bourbon'. St. Richards. Plaza. Cafe Pontalba. 'World Domination' was scrawled in rather large letters on the face of one barrel, along with 'abduct Nick' and 'fetch the fuzzy one' and 'avoid daeva'.

Good to know they had their priorities straight. "Yes, I'm still here officer. I'm getting in the car right now to pick them up at the station. With their lawyer, Virgil Ward." Caleb marched up the steps, grabbed Nick by the sleeve of his T-shirt and practically dragged the kid into his car.

"Oy! Caleb! Leggo my eggo! What's going on? You said officer. Did something happen to Aeron or Kaziel? And I haven't seen Vawn in awhile." Nick paled. "Oh, man, it's them, isn't it?" Caleb turned to face Nick, who sat in the passenger seat.

"They. Are. Grounded. For Eternity."

 **0000000**

Once Caleb finished with Officer Davis, tossed the three miscreants into Kyrian's pool to sober them up (Good thing the Dark Hunter had gone to work by then.) and gotten them home, he sat them all down on the couch.

"Here's how your Bio stands with the Police Station. You are fraternal triplets born in Wales who have divorced parents, both of whom are remarried and live in two separate countries because that's how much they hate each other's guts, leading you to claim three different citizenships..."

Nick raised his hand. "I'm not sure that's how citizenship works in Europe."

Caleb rolled his eyes. "It does if the police buy it and don't know any better. Your mother's Welsh and I'm your half-brother because our father likes to screw around. You're also here on Student Visas. You first language is Welsh, Gaelic, or whatever that crap it is that you spout when you attempt to speak that sounds remarkably like gibberish." Caleb yawned. "You're also grounded. And on restriction. And no amount of schmoozing to Nick will get you out of it. Ever."

 **34\. Xev's 'rants'**

"Bro..." Caleb couldn't- wait, no, scratch that. Of course he could believe this. He rubbed his temple, trying to figure out how to tell his no-longer-estranged half-brother to _calm the fuck down._ He put the weights he had been using for his work-out to the side of the bench and switched the phone from his shoulder to his hand.

"Xev. Calm the fuck down. Nick's safe, and Ash isn't going to hurt him."

Quick note about Ancient Gods: They're territorial. If you haven't figured that out by now, not entirely sure where you've been. And, when it comes to their 'Cute and cuddly' offspring hanging out with _other_ Ancient Gods, they tend to get _little_ possessive and overly protective. Comes with the whole territory deal.

 _"Let's agree to disagree. Accidents happen. So, for Nick's protection-"_ Xev continued on this train of thought, as Caleb slowly lost focus. Sure, it was great and all to have his brother back and not have to worry (much) about being betrayed by him, but...

He talked about Nick. And Cherise. _A lot._

They were his favorite topic of conversation.

Xev was like that proud, quiet father who didn't say much but secretly had an entire room dedicated to how awesome and amazing his kids were, and Caleb wondered if Nick knew how annoying it could be. Even if he didn't, Caleb did, and the Daeva had half a mind to sick Xev on Aeron for a day so he could get this out of his system.

 _"...so I was thinking around the time Nick left for work. What about it?"_ Caleb shrugged absently, not paying attention.

"Yeah, sure- wait, what?"

 **35\. Going along with Xev's...idiosyncrasies. ("Protecting" Nick.)**

 _So, explain to me why we're stalking Nick at work?_

Caleb looked down from the branch in the tree he perched on in his Raven form, into the mansion window where Nick's office was located. He watched the Cajun order things online for Kyrian, bored out of his mind.

Xev, in his cat form, shifted beside him. Since Xev had made a point to keep an eye on Nick, he had sent Aeron to guard Cherise while on her date with Bubba. And to, quote, _'Slit the throat of anyone who looks at her inappropriately, including Bubba.'_

Someone should probably warn the redneck that Cherise had a vicious attack dog that went by a name other than 'Nick Gautier'.

 _We are not stalking him. We're doing bodyguard detail. And this is your job, so why are you complaining?_

Caleb made an odd sound in his throat, his vocal cords as a raven not really suited for low growling.

 _I protect him, not stalk him. If he's in danger, or I think he's going to be in danger, I trail him. If there's nothing for me to be worried about, I don't. This is what the good folks up in the county court house would, and I repeat, label as 'stalking'._

Xev hissed. _I don't trust the Atlantean._

Caleb cawed. _Neither do I, but Nick trusts him, and there's damn near nothing we can do about it anyway. You know how he is. And, if I sensed any real danger from Ash, I would have warned Nick to stay away._

It was at that moment they saw Acheron walk into the room where Nick was. They seemed to be joking around, having fun.

Everything was fine and dandy until Ash shoved Nick a little for whatever comment the kid had made.

 _Oh, boy._

Xev was at the window ledge, hissing and pawing the window with the clear intention of ' _Let Me In Or So Help Me, Someone Will Be Terminated.'_

Nick's jaw dropped. "Xe-Mr. Fuzzy Boots? What are you doing?"

Ash raised a brow. "Following you, apparently. Maybe you forgot to feed him?" Xev bared his teeth, practically climbing up the window pane.

 _Let. Me. In!_

Nick opened the window and shook his head in disbelief.

"You stalked me to work..." Xev jumped at him, and Nick was forced to play catch, cradling the immortal cat to his chest. Xev continued to hiss at Ash until the Goth got the message and retreated three steps away from Nick and the Furious Feline.

"This is just a guess..." Ash said slowly. "...but I think your cat dislikes me."

Caleb hit his head against the bark. Repeatedly.

 _What part of incognito does no one understand?_

 **0000000000**

Rosa eyed the large crow in sympathy. It kept hitting its poor little head over and over, like the pigeons were prone to do with glass. She sighed and continued cleaning, wondering what had happened to make the poor bird snap.

 **0000000000**

 ***Wulf- Nordic Dark Hunter, in case anyone's forgotten.**

 **AN: Hope you laughed! :D Please review!**


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